No point keeping the lame 'turtle' story on my blog since I might just get people confused, hurt or irked... I guess I shouldn't even try using analogies, or attempt to write a story, because I know, and everyone agrees, that I am not good at storytelling. I will only end up losing friendships, or even, making everything worse.
Despite knowing that I shouldn't air thoughts so openly on a public space, but I still cannot help myself. It is afterall, a place where I vent. And I've used this space for all sorts of 'whatevers' for 3 years already. I cannot help it, and I don't think that can change. Certain things blogged at a certain point of time might have been triggered with emotions and frustrations. Things that I've written might be offensive. If I offended anyone, I am sorry but I don't mean it.
I am just a bad, and selfish person, who only thinks of my own feelings. I am just a person who is stupid, and knows nothing but expects people to give so much more. That explains why I am undeserving. And why no one is willing to love me. Isn't that so? Look at me now and you'll know why.
I don't know if I should say I 'HATE' the position I am in now, and it might be because I am not confident with myself. I am a person with so many flaws, and being told that I am 'good at nothing' since young, doesn't help me look at myself and go "oh... you are unique and you are good with your own thing". I've never received this sort of 'westernised' education. When things seem to have fallen into place recently, the pieces of the jigsaw just seem awkward in the spot where it supposedly belonged. I know one must always trust his/her partner, and that he/she has done his/her best to be with you. But, I am just not confident. Especially not when you do not feel 'loved' when you are supposed to be 'in a relationship'. I do not think gifts of any dollar amount attached to it signifies anything. Not when it feels icy all the time we spent together. And it makes me doubt that we are together for the sake of my one-sidedness, or to make him less guilty.
I know I think too much, but because of all the flaws that I have, I start to think how different it would be if he has been with the person he liked. I could see the difference between how willing he was to make 'physical contact' (don't think otherwise here... it could be just a hug, or having a hand over the shoulder etc... simple stuff) and how reluctant he was with me, even til now. I tried to think positively, such as, he is saving the best for the last, or he might just want to understand me a little better before doing anything. I would think: He chose me for ME. But I just cannot get myself past the fact that it is just because the person today is ME --> Clarice - not a person he initially liked, but perhaps hope to like eventually - so he is unwilling. I started to feel the difference between 'chasing someone', and 'the one being chased'.
People usually say that these 'physical touch' comes naturally cuz of your feelings for the person. I believe so too. Unconsciously I would do things for him on my own accord, but on the other hand, he doesn't do the same. I can feel the care he has for me, however, I am not sure about the 'love' aspect though. Even though touch doesn't determine everything, but sometimes a loving hug, a hand on your waist, or a little peck on the cheek, can brighten up my day so much. However, it just never happened. A distance has always been kept - like as if I am infected with some deadly disease. I always see couples around me (either random strangers, or my friends), and I can't help but envy them. I really wish I can be like them, but it seems like I'm not going to get it. He's either different, or he just doesn't feel that much for me... yet. And I know this is horrible of me, but I cannot help but feel that I am a substitute.
There are so many things I wanted to do with him, or for him, but I just don't know how to. On the other hand, I can't tell him what I want either. I've tried to hint here and there, and even state it in a straight-forward manner. But nothing has changed. Being transparent in relationships is good, and I've told him about these 'issues', but, nothing has ever changed. I always hoped he will do something, but he doesn't. And what can I do? I can only just leave it. I can't probe. I will only sound like some desperado. These sorts of things come from the heart, and from the 'vibe' of feeling for someone. It cant be forced. So, what does my situation actually show?
Perhaps, if the person today is not me, it would have been a totally different scenario. Or perhaps, he would have been a happier person, and leading a more blissful life. Who knows? Fate really has played a trick on all of us.
I thought, after I've been accepted as a 'pass' for the recipient of my gift, there wouldn't be a need to shed anymore tears. However, just as I am writing this, I am crying... Just like a baby. I can't seem to pick myself up. Maybe I'm just not qualified yet. How do I make the person I love blissful when I am like that? Perhaps I should have known where I stood before doing anything...
Despite knowing that I shouldn't air thoughts so openly on a public space, but I still cannot help myself. It is afterall, a place where I vent. And I've used this space for all sorts of 'whatevers' for 3 years already. I cannot help it, and I don't think that can change. Certain things blogged at a certain point of time might have been triggered with emotions and frustrations. Things that I've written might be offensive. If I offended anyone, I am sorry but I don't mean it.
I am just a bad, and selfish person, who only thinks of my own feelings. I am just a person who is stupid, and knows nothing but expects people to give so much more. That explains why I am undeserving. And why no one is willing to love me. Isn't that so? Look at me now and you'll know why.
I don't know if I should say I 'HATE' the position I am in now, and it might be because I am not confident with myself. I am a person with so many flaws, and being told that I am 'good at nothing' since young, doesn't help me look at myself and go "oh... you are unique and you are good with your own thing". I've never received this sort of 'westernised' education. When things seem to have fallen into place recently, the pieces of the jigsaw just seem awkward in the spot where it supposedly belonged. I know one must always trust his/her partner, and that he/she has done his/her best to be with you. But, I am just not confident. Especially not when you do not feel 'loved' when you are supposed to be 'in a relationship'. I do not think gifts of any dollar amount attached to it signifies anything. Not when it feels icy all the time we spent together. And it makes me doubt that we are together for the sake of my one-sidedness, or to make him less guilty.
I know I think too much, but because of all the flaws that I have, I start to think how different it would be if he has been with the person he liked. I could see the difference between how willing he was to make 'physical contact' (don't think otherwise here... it could be just a hug, or having a hand over the shoulder etc... simple stuff) and how reluctant he was with me, even til now. I tried to think positively, such as, he is saving the best for the last, or he might just want to understand me a little better before doing anything. I would think: He chose me for ME. But I just cannot get myself past the fact that it is just because the person today is ME --> Clarice - not a person he initially liked, but perhaps hope to like eventually - so he is unwilling. I started to feel the difference between 'chasing someone', and 'the one being chased'.
People usually say that these 'physical touch' comes naturally cuz of your feelings for the person. I believe so too. Unconsciously I would do things for him on my own accord, but on the other hand, he doesn't do the same. I can feel the care he has for me, however, I am not sure about the 'love' aspect though. Even though touch doesn't determine everything, but sometimes a loving hug, a hand on your waist, or a little peck on the cheek, can brighten up my day so much. However, it just never happened. A distance has always been kept - like as if I am infected with some deadly disease. I always see couples around me (either random strangers, or my friends), and I can't help but envy them. I really wish I can be like them, but it seems like I'm not going to get it. He's either different, or he just doesn't feel that much for me... yet. And I know this is horrible of me, but I cannot help but feel that I am a substitute.
There are so many things I wanted to do with him, or for him, but I just don't know how to. On the other hand, I can't tell him what I want either. I've tried to hint here and there, and even state it in a straight-forward manner. But nothing has changed. Being transparent in relationships is good, and I've told him about these 'issues', but, nothing has ever changed. I always hoped he will do something, but he doesn't. And what can I do? I can only just leave it. I can't probe. I will only sound like some desperado. These sorts of things come from the heart, and from the 'vibe' of feeling for someone. It cant be forced. So, what does my situation actually show?
Perhaps, if the person today is not me, it would have been a totally different scenario. Or perhaps, he would have been a happier person, and leading a more blissful life. Who knows? Fate really has played a trick on all of us.
I thought, after I've been accepted as a 'pass' for the recipient of my gift, there wouldn't be a need to shed anymore tears. However, just as I am writing this, I am crying... Just like a baby. I can't seem to pick myself up. Maybe I'm just not qualified yet. How do I make the person I love blissful when I am like that? Perhaps I should have known where I stood before doing anything...
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