The Silent Handshake
This just happened about an hour ago...
The crazy idea just popped by my head whilst I was 'enjoying' my stroll back under the 32 degrees (or more) scorching hot sun. I know 'breaking up' just cannot come out of my mouth easily like that. Part of me still holds on to that strong feeling that I have for him, yet part of him really cannot endure his behaviour towards me. I've told him, advised him, quarreled with him, criticized him.... A few minutes after I talked to him, he will be all nice and soft towards me. However, all goes back to square one the next day. Whatever I've told him, he never listens. Just like what he claims to me too: whatever he tells me, I never listen either. He claims he is like that because he is. Fine. Then let it be. I'll play his game, plus with my own strategy.
A mere handshake settles everything.... maybe.
I returned to his place, and got myself to cool down. I was sweating cuz of the heat and from the walk. Then I entered the room, sat myself down and looked at him. Not once did he greet, or look at me. So I offered my hand and told him to shake it.
He was like "For what?" And I simply said, "Just shake it. I have my own meaning."
Without further questioning, he shook it.
"Thank you. All's good now."
With that, I am now unofficially 'single', and no more 'in a relationship'. From now on, we will only be good friends. I am merely bunking in temporary with a good friend, and that's all right. I told myself that this is simply a stupid way of fooling myself, but with this handshake, I am bound to some terms I've set myself:
- It is OK if he is cold to me. None of my business.
- It is OK if he decides to come back 4am in the morning, or not to come back at all. None of my business.
- It is OK if he doesn't want to hug/kiss/hold me. None of my business.
- It is OK if I don't receive anymore good night kisses. None of my business.
- It is OK if he wants to go out with and hook up with other girls. None of my business.
- It is OK if I am the last to know anything important/semi-important etc... None of my business.
- It is OK if he only watches TV and read his books and ignores my presence. None of my business.
Anyway, anything to do with him will be NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
In due time, when I'm ready, I will verbally break up with him.
He doesn't know I've silently broken up with him. In a way, I've tricked him to agree what's on my mind without voicing it out. But anyway does it really make a difference to him with me being together with him, and me without? I don't think so. He might even have to leave Australia to go back home soon (for some reason). And when that happens, we'll be separated by shores and it will be more difficult for us to be together. Even if we try, he's always surrounded by girls, who would know if he might be attracted to any of them? The future is uncertain, and I don't feel we have a very stable foundation with us. We are best off being good friends.
Honestly, I have no more feelings already. Perhaps I'm numbed. Last night, a friend I haven't talked to for a while approached me on MSN and she asked me "So have you found a bf?" And I chose to ignore that question and talked about something else. This relationship has never felt real anyway, and I don't feel happy, or excited to announce to the world that I am in love. Honestly, I don't even know what being 'in love' is all about. I thought it takes two to clap, and to be 'in love'. However, I am the sole player in this wretched game that seems to not bring me anywhere.
For the next week or two, I will try my best to ignore things about him whilst I am still staying at his place. But I will try my best to move out ASAP and I can cut my ties this way. Luck, pls be with me when I go house hunting!
And may I be over and done with my own emotions soon as well~
The crazy idea just popped by my head whilst I was 'enjoying' my stroll back under the 32 degrees (or more) scorching hot sun. I know 'breaking up' just cannot come out of my mouth easily like that. Part of me still holds on to that strong feeling that I have for him, yet part of him really cannot endure his behaviour towards me. I've told him, advised him, quarreled with him, criticized him.... A few minutes after I talked to him, he will be all nice and soft towards me. However, all goes back to square one the next day. Whatever I've told him, he never listens. Just like what he claims to me too: whatever he tells me, I never listen either. He claims he is like that because he is. Fine. Then let it be. I'll play his game, plus with my own strategy.
A mere handshake settles everything.... maybe.
I returned to his place, and got myself to cool down. I was sweating cuz of the heat and from the walk. Then I entered the room, sat myself down and looked at him. Not once did he greet, or look at me. So I offered my hand and told him to shake it.
He was like "For what?" And I simply said, "Just shake it. I have my own meaning."
Without further questioning, he shook it.
"Thank you. All's good now."
With that, I am now unofficially 'single', and no more 'in a relationship'. From now on, we will only be good friends. I am merely bunking in temporary with a good friend, and that's all right. I told myself that this is simply a stupid way of fooling myself, but with this handshake, I am bound to some terms I've set myself:
- It is OK if he is cold to me. None of my business.
- It is OK if he decides to come back 4am in the morning, or not to come back at all. None of my business.
- It is OK if he doesn't want to hug/kiss/hold me. None of my business.
- It is OK if I don't receive anymore good night kisses. None of my business.
- It is OK if he wants to go out with and hook up with other girls. None of my business.
- It is OK if I am the last to know anything important/semi-important etc... None of my business.
- It is OK if he only watches TV and read his books and ignores my presence. None of my business.
Anyway, anything to do with him will be NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
In due time, when I'm ready, I will verbally break up with him.
He doesn't know I've silently broken up with him. In a way, I've tricked him to agree what's on my mind without voicing it out. But anyway does it really make a difference to him with me being together with him, and me without? I don't think so. He might even have to leave Australia to go back home soon (for some reason). And when that happens, we'll be separated by shores and it will be more difficult for us to be together. Even if we try, he's always surrounded by girls, who would know if he might be attracted to any of them? The future is uncertain, and I don't feel we have a very stable foundation with us. We are best off being good friends.
Honestly, I have no more feelings already. Perhaps I'm numbed. Last night, a friend I haven't talked to for a while approached me on MSN and she asked me "So have you found a bf?" And I chose to ignore that question and talked about something else. This relationship has never felt real anyway, and I don't feel happy, or excited to announce to the world that I am in love. Honestly, I don't even know what being 'in love' is all about. I thought it takes two to clap, and to be 'in love'. However, I am the sole player in this wretched game that seems to not bring me anywhere.
For the next week or two, I will try my best to ignore things about him whilst I am still staying at his place. But I will try my best to move out ASAP and I can cut my ties this way. Luck, pls be with me when I go house hunting!
And may I be over and done with my own emotions soon as well~
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