끝내다
I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't work.
However I still got to tell my colleagues, with my puffy eyes, that I will be OK...
I still smile at customers at the restaurants greeting and bidding them to have a wonderful night, yet my nights are teary ones...
I took the nagging my manager kept hauling at me with a 'good kid' attitude because I can't seem to perform to his perfection and satisfaction.
But deep down inside, I am tearing apart. Yet circumstances disallowed me to sulk. That is life. That is reality. But why must it be that way? Why must everything be so harsh and cruel?
I really yearn for another chance, even I know it will be too much to ask for a ####th chance. However I cannot convince and re-build the confidence and trust anymore. My last attempt of salvation - futile.
Which means I need to learn how to let go and move on. Yes, life does go on. My friends tell me that time will wash away the pain. This I know, and have always gave as advices to friends. But somehow, the very advices I gave to my friends who have suffered heartbreaks seems very difficult when the same shit happens to me. Like a lost soul, wandering around aimlessly, and trying to tell myself that I am OK at the same time, shaking off the coldness of his voice. Suddenly, life seems so meaningless to me; nothing seems to be going the right way. I do not have a proper job, and now I've lost one of the most important person in my life. A gift I've wanted for so long, yet I've destroyed it with my very own hands...
And the conclusion? SERVES ME RIGHT.I don't deserve any sympathy.
I regret. I repent. I am sorry. But nothing can turn back the hands of time. Things that have already happened can't be erased like how you can simply use the backspace button on your keypad. If things were only that easy....
Surprisingly, I feel enormous comfort from my colleagues at Bevilles, who all gave me their support and care unselfishly. Li gave me so much advices during our lunch time and I began to feel much better after that. Calli got me a cupcake to cheer me up, and insisting it costs nothing (though I still pay her back). Brooke got me coffee with extra cookie. The Italian Maria, and Vietnamese Maria, as well as Angela, all gave me their support too... Maybe things aren't as awful as it is after all. I am proud to say I didn't shed a tear in the office, even though I really feel like caving in and just cry and cry and cry...
Amelia, thank you for listening to me bawl and wince over the phone. It seems like I can only cry over the phone with you. With all these years of sister-hood and friendship, we've scraped our knees together and cried together, I guess you and Vanessa are probably the only ones I dared show my tears to.
I probably would never be able to open my heart to love again. It is so exhausting... I guess the only way I can be able to live again is to find my dreams in a career I have wanted for so long. It's high time I know where I should belong and where I shouldn't. Love and relationships have never been 'in the pink' for me. I doubt my heart can withstand any more such pains even if I do move on eventually. To be honest, I am NOT as strong as I seem to be. It's all a facade I put on. Just like under the cakes of makeup lies an ordinary, 'less than average' kind of 'beauty'.
Why love when it's going to end anyway? Angela's 35 years of marriage fell apart because her ex-husband chose another woman over her. Some friends I know had a 5 or more years relationship, only to realize it's not meant to be. Why waste your time? Is it really worth it? Why invest so much in the high-risk stock market when you know it's gonna crash anyway? What are the outcomes? What are the benefits?
SIGH... Part of me still prays for that 1% of miracle that might happen. However, that leaves a (whopping) 99% of hopelessness (bundled with darkness). How am I ever going to cross over that bridge?? More importantly, can I even make it across that bridge??
However I still got to tell my colleagues, with my puffy eyes, that I will be OK...
I still smile at customers at the restaurants greeting and bidding them to have a wonderful night, yet my nights are teary ones...
I took the nagging my manager kept hauling at me with a 'good kid' attitude because I can't seem to perform to his perfection and satisfaction.
But deep down inside, I am tearing apart. Yet circumstances disallowed me to sulk. That is life. That is reality. But why must it be that way? Why must everything be so harsh and cruel?
I really yearn for another chance, even I know it will be too much to ask for a ####th chance. However I cannot convince and re-build the confidence and trust anymore. My last attempt of salvation - futile.
Which means I need to learn how to let go and move on. Yes, life does go on. My friends tell me that time will wash away the pain. This I know, and have always gave as advices to friends. But somehow, the very advices I gave to my friends who have suffered heartbreaks seems very difficult when the same shit happens to me. Like a lost soul, wandering around aimlessly, and trying to tell myself that I am OK at the same time, shaking off the coldness of his voice. Suddenly, life seems so meaningless to me; nothing seems to be going the right way. I do not have a proper job, and now I've lost one of the most important person in my life. A gift I've wanted for so long, yet I've destroyed it with my very own hands...
And the conclusion? SERVES ME RIGHT.I don't deserve any sympathy.
I regret. I repent. I am sorry. But nothing can turn back the hands of time. Things that have already happened can't be erased like how you can simply use the backspace button on your keypad. If things were only that easy....
Surprisingly, I feel enormous comfort from my colleagues at Bevilles, who all gave me their support and care unselfishly. Li gave me so much advices during our lunch time and I began to feel much better after that. Calli got me a cupcake to cheer me up, and insisting it costs nothing (though I still pay her back). Brooke got me coffee with extra cookie. The Italian Maria, and Vietnamese Maria, as well as Angela, all gave me their support too... Maybe things aren't as awful as it is after all. I am proud to say I didn't shed a tear in the office, even though I really feel like caving in and just cry and cry and cry...
Amelia, thank you for listening to me bawl and wince over the phone. It seems like I can only cry over the phone with you. With all these years of sister-hood and friendship, we've scraped our knees together and cried together, I guess you and Vanessa are probably the only ones I dared show my tears to.
I probably would never be able to open my heart to love again. It is so exhausting... I guess the only way I can be able to live again is to find my dreams in a career I have wanted for so long. It's high time I know where I should belong and where I shouldn't. Love and relationships have never been 'in the pink' for me. I doubt my heart can withstand any more such pains even if I do move on eventually. To be honest, I am NOT as strong as I seem to be. It's all a facade I put on. Just like under the cakes of makeup lies an ordinary, 'less than average' kind of 'beauty'.
Why love when it's going to end anyway? Angela's 35 years of marriage fell apart because her ex-husband chose another woman over her. Some friends I know had a 5 or more years relationship, only to realize it's not meant to be. Why waste your time? Is it really worth it? Why invest so much in the high-risk stock market when you know it's gonna crash anyway? What are the outcomes? What are the benefits?
SIGH... Part of me still prays for that 1% of miracle that might happen. However, that leaves a (whopping) 99% of hopelessness (bundled with darkness). How am I ever going to cross over that bridge?? More importantly, can I even make it across that bridge??
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