Stop Dreaming. There are NO Miracles in this World

As what the title has suggested... Miracles, in the real world, is just bullshit.

I was stressed out at work today and decided to plug in my music. Then this song came up and I nearly burst into tears... Jay Chou's "安静" - an old song already, but it still sounds so good, and so close to my feelings at this moment.

只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天
睡着的大提琴安静的旧旧的
我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道你没有舍不得

你说你也会难过我不相信
牵着你陪着我也只是曾经
希望他是真的比我还要爱你
我才会逼自己离开

你要我说多难堪
我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份包容你也接受他
不用担心的太多我会一直好好过
你已经远远离开我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就着你
我真的没有天份安静的没这么快
我会学着放弃你是因为我太爱你

And then, another song by Lee Hom, called "打开爱" (the song currently playing on my blog)... it's very soothing and encouraging; full of hope and inspiration. However, I know, judging from the current situation, that we do not have any more miracles. The 1% I am still clutching on, seems to be vanishing bit by bit. I will still hold on to it, waiting for him, but I know, I will have to wait without hope. Wait for him, look at him, and repent on my silliness and my willfulness, possibly for the rest of my life.

One year ago, I thought that miracles still exist when he asks me to be his girl. I was brimming with jubilance and hope, knowing that there is sunshine at the end of the rain. However, I failed to consider that after sunshine, there will still be rain. And I am the weather (wo)man who has created the downpour. Either way, the weather wouldn't stay fine and sunny forever; the sun wouldn't shine for us all the time. Rain falls, and night comes. Rain waters the plants but they would need more water again soon. Winter beckons after summer.

Friends ask me a few questions for me to consider:
- Then why eat when you are going to get hungry again?
- Why sleep when you will only get tired again?
- Why bathe when you will only get dirty again?
- Why go for a haircut when it's going to grow out again?

They do have a point, however, I still think those are different from my question: Why love when you are going to hurt again? Why love when you'll only be separated again? Basic survival needs like food and sleep forms the most basics of our life. They do not hurt us like how love does. Hunger and exhaustion hurts, but can be replaced with food and sleep. But the scar that is deeply engraved onto shattered and broken hearts will never be completely erased no matter the amount of love you may receive eventually. Moreover, there is no guarantee. Even insurance companies and banks file for bankruptcy during this horrifying economic crisis. What about love? They are even more unstable than your current assets.

I have said this before, and I will say this now: The purpose of my existence on this Earth is unknown, however, I know that loving and being loved is not one of the items being checked when I was being created. True, love amongst family and friends do exist, however, the special someone that has been checked for majority of the people will never happen to me. I lost my gift, and I wouldn't get a second one. No other gift will be as great as this. No matter how unhappy I may be at times when holding this gift, I still love him from the bottom of my heart...

How can I express myself to him, in words, how I feel about him? How I regret? How I love him? How I cannot live without him? Even if I did managed to express to him, will he forgive me? Will he give us one more try? Will he see us together again in the future?

I know without him I cannot imagine myself with any other guys. Some friends have teased a few of my guy friends with me, saying that I can consider them, and they are not bad choices. However, no matter how I try to picture us together, I cannot see a complete picture. I only saw myself with him. I saw myself being able to hold hands with him, being hug by him (and hugging him), kiss him, married to him, make love with him, have kids with him... and all other possible things under the sky to be done with him... Tell me, how can I live without him?

I really really really want to hear his voice; to speak to him again... I hope that one day 'private number' calls would be him. I miss him terribly. But I cannot bring myself to call him. The enormous effort to hold myself back every time I wish to speak to him is immensely tormenting me...

Why is it so difficult to simply be cool and move on? I mean, I am usually cool with most of the things in life, why can't I simply be cool about it and live on? I feel that everything I am doing now seems meaningless, yet I still go on fighting to distract myself. I couldn't grasp the purpose of life anymore. I have nothing. My life means nothing. I cannot bring myself to explain why I have to wake up every morning just to face another gloomy gray day. My laughter has no happiness, my words have no meaning. My eyes look empty. What is the point of living this way?

Where is the turning point? Where is the rainbow?

I loathe myself.

{Without you I am nothing... For you are the only person who can make me complete... }