Turn Left, Turn Right

After I received my IELTS test results today, I was totally shattered.

I did so well in the all components, except for ONE I didn't get 7 points.

I have always been weak in reading and comprehension in class, however, my English is NOT THAT BAD! I don't understand where I could have gone wrong! Why did I ace in my writing, speaking and listening tests yet flunked in my reading?!

After I saw my results, I felt feeble, lost and blinded. Unable to achieve all 7 points in all components means I cannot obtain my PR. If I cannot obtain my PR it ultimately means I cannot stay in Australia, and after my TR is up next July, I will have to go home.

Actually, I really don't mind going home. I really don't like Australia all that much either. But, I value my freedom here. I am AWARE that Australia has much more to offer than Singapore from different aspects. For the 6 years that I have been here, I somehow got used to the lifestyle here too. Moreover I've built some sort of foundation here. I've got a job (2 jobs actually), a place to stay, stable income, friends and freedom. Give them all up? Not a problem. I yearn to be with my parents too. Mom's health is not so good and I want to be with her, to take care of her, to support her...

But then, mom insisted I stay here. I know she will be very upset if I chose to go back. From all the naggings that I've gathered from every single phonecall, I know mom wants me to be here for my own good, and she means it. Part of my pursuit for PR here is because to fulfill my mom's wishes.

However, recently, I thought I should try my best to stay here too. Why? After the conversation with him, I realized that he has the intention to move back here. He can apply for PR offshore after 1 year working experience in the engineering field, and after which he can come back here. Also in that conversation, he mentioned about the possibility of us being together again when we are eventually on the same shore. Instead of brushing his words aside, I was hoping for that day for that possibility to happen. Clinging onto that hope, I was hoping that I can at least score for my IELTS test and that could be a start to obtain my PR. I was hoping that perhaps we can somehow be together again after this period of separation... Can you imagine how devastated I was when I saw that ONE component I didn't score? That killed all hopes and chances...

I can re-take the test, but I seriously feel too unmotivated to do so. I take pride in my English, yet I could not score. It feels too awful to re-take the test and pay another $280. The test is a utterly DUMB idea to begin with. It is a way for Australian government to tighten up the inflow of immigrants, and to earn our money. Now, what am I supposed to do?? I feel like an asshole re-taking the test again! (And no, if you are wondering, why don't just re-take that one component? You can't. You have to take all 4 components for each test, and you can't use the better grade from another test either)

Whilst I am here, he has to go back due to visa problems. Then, I miss him, I quarreled with him, I yearned for him, and eventually we broke up. Distance really does kill a relationship. But when the time comes he can finally return to Melbourne, I'll probably be back in Singapore. We can NEVER be on the same shore. Why, of all things, would he have to seep in that little bit of hope into me that made the already blinded me cling on to for life? How are we EVER going to be together again? Is there ever a chance again?

After so long, I have started to cry again. I haven't shed a tear since breaking up. It feel like my heart is ripping apart, and some monster is feeding on it. I cannot utter a word to anybody because no one could possibly understand the torment I am going through at the moment. I've lost the courage to fight for anything that could even be worthwhile. Perhaps just to lead life as I've always did and see what fate has in store for me...

I think I probably will need that liquor right now...