the point of no return
Now I've come to the point of no return
I've bought a no-return ticket on a trip that will only end up in the vast, dry and scorching desert
Perhaps so dry that my tears will not flow anymore
So scorching I cannot even feel myself...
I can only trudge on, and on, and on... trying to find a source of water to quench my thirst...
And exapseration....
But when I look up, full of hope, but yet what lies infront of me is nothing but still a barren desert.
Nothing has changed. Nothing is going to change. Nothing will change.
I think I am going to give up now...
No point holding on to anything any longer when in the first place, there isn't really anything worth holding on to either.
Proves a point: You think too much, hope too much, expect too much, you'll find yourself falling extremely BAD and HARD
Why does it cut so much that night that made me snap, wake up, and made me came up with terms with myself that I need to come to a stop? I need to make a detour. I need to revive myself.
But how do I get rid of the smell that lingers with me even though the source is not even around?
So now, I'll arrange my working time different from u-know-who and u-know-who. So that we don't see each other at all.
Reject all invitations for coffee/shopping/whatever.
My house will never be a holiday resort... on whatever occassion.
I will stop doing 'voluntary' work for no real benefits for the real needys.
Answer only 2 out of 10 phonecalls (answer cuz if it's in case of work-related issues) and keep it short.
Because...
Don't see - don't hear - don't feel - don't cut - don't hurt - don't cry
Not the best ideas around I know, but it seems like there are no other alternatives offered to me at the moment.
Going to - quit my job... hopefully soon.
Shocking? Yes it is. I've never thought I'll make a decision to give up my income and quit my job.
Give up a comfortable place, a place where I know all the things, a boss that trusts me, loving uncles in the kitchen (even those who didn't like me initially aren't mean anymore), nice & easy-going colleagues --- to find a new job elsewhere. Start anew all over again. From the bottom-most position. Take all the bullying and hardships again.
But that's the price I'm going to pay if I were to let myself heal faster.
That's the price I gotta pay if I want to save myself (maybe)...
No matter how exhausting a new job may be, it won't be as exhausting as the situation I'm going through now.
Afterall, it's just a one-way thing isn't it?
Afterall, obvious negative hints with 'NOT INTERESTED' tattooed on the forehead, were already flying and waving at me, but the 'blur-queen' me just didn't get it, isn't it??
Afterall, it's honestly nothing much about being 'nice' and 'helpful'. The same treatment goes for everyone, not just me, isn't it?
Afterall, it's just me who thought too much and misunderstood things too much, isn't it?
Afterall, it's just me to have my feelings sorted out because it's just me who is weird, isn't it?
I simply just cannot afford to be hurt anymore
Hurt, tears, disappointment.... the big crack that feeds in my heart... All's eating up into my consciousness and my ability to focus and my sense of discipline and direction. It took rein of the thoughts in my brains and let it run wild. Since when has my eyes turn into some faulty tap and tears just run as and when they feel like it?
How can I mend that crack without anymore tears? Why does it seem that the crack just gets deeper and deeper?
I crave to be my normal self. I prefer my normal self. I want to get better. Not the insane me that is currently entrapped in my soul, my body, my brains.
I've bought a no-return ticket on a trip that will only end up in the vast, dry and scorching desert
Perhaps so dry that my tears will not flow anymore
So scorching I cannot even feel myself...
I can only trudge on, and on, and on... trying to find a source of water to quench my thirst...
And exapseration....
But when I look up, full of hope, but yet what lies infront of me is nothing but still a barren desert.
Nothing has changed. Nothing is going to change. Nothing will change.
I think I am going to give up now...
No point holding on to anything any longer when in the first place, there isn't really anything worth holding on to either.
Proves a point: You think too much, hope too much, expect too much, you'll find yourself falling extremely BAD and HARD
Why does it cut so much that night that made me snap, wake up, and made me came up with terms with myself that I need to come to a stop? I need to make a detour. I need to revive myself.
But how do I get rid of the smell that lingers with me even though the source is not even around?
So now, I'll arrange my working time different from u-know-who and u-know-who. So that we don't see each other at all.
Reject all invitations for coffee/shopping/whatever.
My house will never be a holiday resort... on whatever occassion.
I will stop doing 'voluntary' work for no real benefits for the real needys.
Answer only 2 out of 10 phonecalls (answer cuz if it's in case of work-related issues) and keep it short.
Because...
Don't see - don't hear - don't feel - don't cut - don't hurt - don't cry
Not the best ideas around I know, but it seems like there are no other alternatives offered to me at the moment.
Going to - quit my job... hopefully soon.
Shocking? Yes it is. I've never thought I'll make a decision to give up my income and quit my job.
Give up a comfortable place, a place where I know all the things, a boss that trusts me, loving uncles in the kitchen (even those who didn't like me initially aren't mean anymore), nice & easy-going colleagues --- to find a new job elsewhere. Start anew all over again. From the bottom-most position. Take all the bullying and hardships again.
But that's the price I'm going to pay if I were to let myself heal faster.
That's the price I gotta pay if I want to save myself (maybe)...
No matter how exhausting a new job may be, it won't be as exhausting as the situation I'm going through now.
Afterall, it's just a one-way thing isn't it?
Afterall, obvious negative hints with 'NOT INTERESTED' tattooed on the forehead, were already flying and waving at me, but the 'blur-queen' me just didn't get it, isn't it??
Afterall, it's honestly nothing much about being 'nice' and 'helpful'. The same treatment goes for everyone, not just me, isn't it?
Afterall, it's just me who thought too much and misunderstood things too much, isn't it?
Afterall, it's just me to have my feelings sorted out because it's just me who is weird, isn't it?
I simply just cannot afford to be hurt anymore
Hurt, tears, disappointment.... the big crack that feeds in my heart... All's eating up into my consciousness and my ability to focus and my sense of discipline and direction. It took rein of the thoughts in my brains and let it run wild. Since when has my eyes turn into some faulty tap and tears just run as and when they feel like it?
How can I mend that crack without anymore tears? Why does it seem that the crack just gets deeper and deeper?
I crave to be my normal self. I prefer my normal self. I want to get better. Not the insane me that is currently entrapped in my soul, my body, my brains.
I got to surrender.
HELP.....
And I REALLY need HELP...
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