ADD: Australia Day Deletion
26 January is Australia's National Day, therefore it is a public holiday.... However, I still got to go work later at night...
For some reason today, I find myself in a really low mood in the wee hours of the morning when I couldn't sleep. Cried my eyes out, and wondering why he hasn't been calling for the past month or so.... Having installed some happiness and hope in me, but then shattering it all again.... Is that all he can do??? Even though I know I shouldn't fool myself again, however, the silly me kept making myself fall over and over and over again...
When he called and called over Christmas last month, my friends thought he wanted to get back with me again no matter how I denied their speculation. I do not want to mislead anyone and I think I've made the right decision. However, the bond between us seems so great, that even our mutual friends now ask me about him when we bumped into each other on the streets, even though all of them know we are no longer together. Since I do not usually have much feelings for most things, I cannot really tell if I like or detest such connection. But I know I have not moved on, but then time has provided a temporary shield covering that hole so I do not feel the pain so much more intense now.
Sometimes, despite my independence, I still do hope that sometimes when I fall, there can be a pair of strong arms to pick me up and bandage my bruised knees. Now I know that this person do not actually exist, I have to snap myself back to reality that I have to 'train' myself to the point where I do not need anyone at all at any stage of my life, and that I have to be very strong, strong enough (emotionally) to keep my emotions calm and peaceful. I thought I am there, but then my occassional caving in let me know that I have not quite reached this 'goal' yet. I do envy many of my girl friends though.... They get picked up after work (instead of having to walk back in the dark like me); they get taken care of when they are sick (instead of having to take care of myself); they get people to carry their heavy groceries (instead of having to carry big/small bags of stuff all by myself) etc... I have never gotten anyone to love and treasure me, and even when I was in a relationship, I am mostly by myself too...Sometimes it left me wondering: why is God so unfair that some people get all the love they can get, and some people like me are left behind to defend for themselves? Don't tell me that someone is out there waiting for me, because that is just a consolation that does not mean anything.
Plus, I realized that a couple of my friends from HK have not been responding me with regards to visiting HK in March... But I could tell that they have been on FB recently and have been commenting on other people's pages, but hasn't replied to me. True, I haven't seen these friends for some time now, and we are not that close close (my close HK friends are here), but then I hope I am not going to be a trouble to them when I visit, or perhaps our friendship was just not strong enough for them to come out and meet me. Either way, I was very insecure about that, and I hope it will not ruin my trip to HK prematurely. I just got to assure myself that it is now all too early for them to know if they will be free 2 months later, therefore, they haven't replied. But still... at least a reply.....? SIGH.
Anyway....
On this day, I took out my phones, scrolled to that name, and deleted all contact numbers attached to it. And, I usually do not remember contact numbers. I am contemplating about Facebook deletion too.... Perhaps very soon when I will be able to come up with a decision whether to keep or to delete.
I cannot stand waiting around almost every night for the phone to ring... It is just too nerve-wrecking...
For some reason today, I find myself in a really low mood in the wee hours of the morning when I couldn't sleep. Cried my eyes out, and wondering why he hasn't been calling for the past month or so.... Having installed some happiness and hope in me, but then shattering it all again.... Is that all he can do??? Even though I know I shouldn't fool myself again, however, the silly me kept making myself fall over and over and over again...
When he called and called over Christmas last month, my friends thought he wanted to get back with me again no matter how I denied their speculation. I do not want to mislead anyone and I think I've made the right decision. However, the bond between us seems so great, that even our mutual friends now ask me about him when we bumped into each other on the streets, even though all of them know we are no longer together. Since I do not usually have much feelings for most things, I cannot really tell if I like or detest such connection. But I know I have not moved on, but then time has provided a temporary shield covering that hole so I do not feel the pain so much more intense now.
Sometimes, despite my independence, I still do hope that sometimes when I fall, there can be a pair of strong arms to pick me up and bandage my bruised knees. Now I know that this person do not actually exist, I have to snap myself back to reality that I have to 'train' myself to the point where I do not need anyone at all at any stage of my life, and that I have to be very strong, strong enough (emotionally) to keep my emotions calm and peaceful. I thought I am there, but then my occassional caving in let me know that I have not quite reached this 'goal' yet. I do envy many of my girl friends though.... They get picked up after work (instead of having to walk back in the dark like me); they get taken care of when they are sick (instead of having to take care of myself); they get people to carry their heavy groceries (instead of having to carry big/small bags of stuff all by myself) etc... I have never gotten anyone to love and treasure me, and even when I was in a relationship, I am mostly by myself too...Sometimes it left me wondering: why is God so unfair that some people get all the love they can get, and some people like me are left behind to defend for themselves? Don't tell me that someone is out there waiting for me, because that is just a consolation that does not mean anything.
Plus, I realized that a couple of my friends from HK have not been responding me with regards to visiting HK in March... But I could tell that they have been on FB recently and have been commenting on other people's pages, but hasn't replied to me. True, I haven't seen these friends for some time now, and we are not that close close (my close HK friends are here), but then I hope I am not going to be a trouble to them when I visit, or perhaps our friendship was just not strong enough for them to come out and meet me. Either way, I was very insecure about that, and I hope it will not ruin my trip to HK prematurely. I just got to assure myself that it is now all too early for them to know if they will be free 2 months later, therefore, they haven't replied. But still... at least a reply.....? SIGH.
Anyway....
On this day, I took out my phones, scrolled to that name, and deleted all contact numbers attached to it. And, I usually do not remember contact numbers. I am contemplating about Facebook deletion too.... Perhaps very soon when I will be able to come up with a decision whether to keep or to delete.
I cannot stand waiting around almost every night for the phone to ring... It is just too nerve-wrecking...
Comments
Haiz... :(