술을 마셨어 후에
My mobile rang a "No Number" call at 12.45am, however I missed it.
I was hoping that it could be him, however, whoever it is didn't ring again, and neither did he/she dropped a text/voice message.
Then I told myself: It is not him. "No Number" could be anybody - parents, friends from overseas, even friends here who calls from their office always appears on my screen as "Private/No number". Even though the latter is out of the question unless someone works late in the office on a Friday night, I guess it could be my mom or a friend in Singapore. I know better than to give myself any hope (if there is at all), and when I realized the truth afterwards, I'd be so disappointed.
Last night, Rich and I had some alcohol together and chatted until 3.30am. Too bad Sha wasn't home, or it'll be more fun with more people. Despite having not talked to Sha for a long time ever since she has a bf and is hardly home, she and I talked for 2 hours on the phone last night. She asked me if there is something wrong with me and him (according to my facebook message), and I admitted. And then we talked... Anyway, Rich and I drank for completely opposite reasons: he drank to celebrate his good results (he got 3 HDs and 1 D for this semester! Dang... how smart!); and I drank because I am deeply depressed. And finally I told Rich what has happened to me with no tears. I think my well is so dried up that even though my heart is tearing, I cannot shed any more tears. Rich said that he has already sensed my depression so he hasn't come to bother me this week. I appreciate his understanding.
It's good to drink yourself silly sometimes because it makes you fall asleep. Honestly I wasn't even half wiped out... Just a few glasses of Jacob's Creek chardonnay pinot blanc, a few glasses of the Korean raspberry wine, and a couple of Korean rice wines ain't the way to knock me out, but I do feel sleepy afterwards. I slept soundly from 3.30am all the way to 1.30pm when my friend called and woke me up. I really love to sleep. Of course that is spoken from someone who works so much and be so sleep-deprived like me, but then, when I am depressed I love to sleep too, because that is the only way that I can escape from reality.
I probably do not know how to love a person. I've probably used a very wrong way to love a person. Loving someone doesn't mean possessing him. Loving someone entails some self-sacrifice and tolerance. Furthermore, I should have appreciated that my gift chose me as his beholder. How could I have dropped it? I should have known better than being my willful self and losing the gift when all I had wanted before was to hold it. So I do not deserve any sympathy. I'm mastering the way to live my life through without thinking of such pain and hopelessness.
I don't know what is the meaning of living on, however, I think this is probably a phase many people goes through at some point in time when they lost their first love. "First cut is the deepest" as we all say.... Hopefully in time I will heal, although I cannot guarantee when will I be able to get my cheery self back.
I was hoping that it could be him, however, whoever it is didn't ring again, and neither did he/she dropped a text/voice message.
Then I told myself: It is not him. "No Number" could be anybody - parents, friends from overseas, even friends here who calls from their office always appears on my screen as "Private/No number". Even though the latter is out of the question unless someone works late in the office on a Friday night, I guess it could be my mom or a friend in Singapore. I know better than to give myself any hope (if there is at all), and when I realized the truth afterwards, I'd be so disappointed.
Last night, Rich and I had some alcohol together and chatted until 3.30am. Too bad Sha wasn't home, or it'll be more fun with more people. Despite having not talked to Sha for a long time ever since she has a bf and is hardly home, she and I talked for 2 hours on the phone last night. She asked me if there is something wrong with me and him (according to my facebook message), and I admitted. And then we talked... Anyway, Rich and I drank for completely opposite reasons: he drank to celebrate his good results (he got 3 HDs and 1 D for this semester! Dang... how smart!); and I drank because I am deeply depressed. And finally I told Rich what has happened to me with no tears. I think my well is so dried up that even though my heart is tearing, I cannot shed any more tears. Rich said that he has already sensed my depression so he hasn't come to bother me this week. I appreciate his understanding.
It's good to drink yourself silly sometimes because it makes you fall asleep. Honestly I wasn't even half wiped out... Just a few glasses of Jacob's Creek chardonnay pinot blanc, a few glasses of the Korean raspberry wine, and a couple of Korean rice wines ain't the way to knock me out, but I do feel sleepy afterwards. I slept soundly from 3.30am all the way to 1.30pm when my friend called and woke me up. I really love to sleep. Of course that is spoken from someone who works so much and be so sleep-deprived like me, but then, when I am depressed I love to sleep too, because that is the only way that I can escape from reality.
I probably do not know how to love a person. I've probably used a very wrong way to love a person. Loving someone doesn't mean possessing him. Loving someone entails some self-sacrifice and tolerance. Furthermore, I should have appreciated that my gift chose me as his beholder. How could I have dropped it? I should have known better than being my willful self and losing the gift when all I had wanted before was to hold it. So I do not deserve any sympathy. I'm mastering the way to live my life through without thinking of such pain and hopelessness.
I don't know what is the meaning of living on, however, I think this is probably a phase many people goes through at some point in time when they lost their first love. "First cut is the deepest" as we all say.... Hopefully in time I will heal, although I cannot guarantee when will I be able to get my cheery self back.
Comments
anyway, after reading your posts all i can say to you is that i can feel your anguish and pain as i have been in that stage before. Just remember, time will heal all wounds and all wounds like leave scars of rememberance.
it may sound like i am oblivious to ur hurt, but i guess it is time you let go of him and all hopes to allow time to heal your wounds as well as to neutralize how you feel right now.
i really wish he will pick up my call... it seems like my prayers are never answered. i've abused so many forgiveness he gave me... i just want him to give me one more chance... and now i can't take anything back. it's all my fault... i shouldn't have been so willful and so unreasonable.
i really love him, amelia. he probably doesn't even know how much i love him... i've always shown him all the bitchy side of me because i feel like i love him but he doesn't love me as much. and now i regret it cuz he probably shows me his love in a different, subtle way. probably i can't even say i love him if i didn't understand him in the first place.
all i want now is another chance... another chance to be with him again... i am willing to wait for him to calm down but i just want to hear his voice again...
somebody help me.....