The Unproductive Life of Chubz
Indeed... the life that I am leading now is totally what I cannot even bear to think about. Whatever has happened to the life that was still around 2 months ago where things are a little more colorful and vibrant? Now it's depressing, unnourished and right down pathetic, and it seems like I'm living life in a dump. And literally meaning it too...
Only 3 days per week that I am working at the moment. And for people who knows me, they would know I hate sitting around doing nothing. I hate staying at home for more than one day without going out and do something. Call me restless, but that is the way I am.
So for the rest of the week I'll either be watching dramas, looking for jobs, sleeping, reading a book, reading the papers, and what else?? All these aren't enough to fill my day. Go out with friends? Yes, I did. But come to think of it, it seems like I do not have much friends left here anymore... Many of them have left - either for their home countries, or Sydney. Some of those in Melbourne are busy with their lives. I can't possibly call them out to hang out just because I am free, can I? Boyfriend? You might ask. We are still not talking. He still hasn't cooled down completely. He still hasn't forgiven me. So, whatever for?
I've just got to know about the impression I've given to some of our mutual friends who preferred not to hang out with me when he is around. Why? Because I get my mood swings and my odd temperamental behaviours when such occasions arise. They say I am demanding, and they preferred not to see me in my temperamental 'swings'. With our mutual friends, I can't even show them who I really am. So I figured, I shall stop hanging out with them because they will never know who I am. How would they ever get to know when he will always be there when we hang out?
I felt like I've been seriously misunderstood. From the pleading conversation begging for forgiveness from him, I realised that what other people perceived of me was something that was so skewed to one side because I behaved abnormally. From then on, I chose to remain silent instead of freeing what I think to him, because, I will never be able to put my thinking across in a way he can understand. There is no point to express all my thoughts and feelings. I shall just live in what other people think I am: self-centered, conceited, demanding and definitely not a good company to hang out with.
One lesson for me though: There is no need to express all your thoughts and feelings at all. I must learn to hide my feelings deep within me, and know how to let things go.
I am so depressed right now but I only have myself to console. No one knows about my plight at the moment. No one really cares either. The only thing I look forward to is to go to work. I love to be busy.
And I am really looking forward to May's approach. It would be fantastic if Andy really comes over to Melbourne then! He would make me so much happier!
Only 3 days per week that I am working at the moment. And for people who knows me, they would know I hate sitting around doing nothing. I hate staying at home for more than one day without going out and do something. Call me restless, but that is the way I am.
So for the rest of the week I'll either be watching dramas, looking for jobs, sleeping, reading a book, reading the papers, and what else?? All these aren't enough to fill my day. Go out with friends? Yes, I did. But come to think of it, it seems like I do not have much friends left here anymore... Many of them have left - either for their home countries, or Sydney. Some of those in Melbourne are busy with their lives. I can't possibly call them out to hang out just because I am free, can I? Boyfriend? You might ask. We are still not talking. He still hasn't cooled down completely. He still hasn't forgiven me. So, whatever for?
I've just got to know about the impression I've given to some of our mutual friends who preferred not to hang out with me when he is around. Why? Because I get my mood swings and my odd temperamental behaviours when such occasions arise. They say I am demanding, and they preferred not to see me in my temperamental 'swings'. With our mutual friends, I can't even show them who I really am. So I figured, I shall stop hanging out with them because they will never know who I am. How would they ever get to know when he will always be there when we hang out?
I felt like I've been seriously misunderstood. From the pleading conversation begging for forgiveness from him, I realised that what other people perceived of me was something that was so skewed to one side because I behaved abnormally. From then on, I chose to remain silent instead of freeing what I think to him, because, I will never be able to put my thinking across in a way he can understand. There is no point to express all my thoughts and feelings. I shall just live in what other people think I am: self-centered, conceited, demanding and definitely not a good company to hang out with.
One lesson for me though: There is no need to express all your thoughts and feelings at all. I must learn to hide my feelings deep within me, and know how to let things go.
I am so depressed right now but I only have myself to console. No one knows about my plight at the moment. No one really cares either. The only thing I look forward to is to go to work. I love to be busy.
And I am really looking forward to May's approach. It would be fantastic if Andy really comes over to Melbourne then! He would make me so much happier!
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