To go or to stay?
The biggest question that evolves and centers my life these couple of months... To go, or to stay, after my graduation?
The thing is, I know I am eligible to stay, but, I do not feel like staying.
After all, I do not really fancy Australia... Melbourne's nice, but I am getting bored. It's not exactly THE place I want to be at.
I have alot of friends here, which made this place nicer and friendlier to reside, and makes life less mundane. However, these reasons are not sufficient to spur my intentions to stay.
Furthermore, people come and go. People I've built close friendships with are leaving me one by one. The very ONE aspect in life that I cannot accept - people leaving me and we all got to move on. Why is it just so hard for me?
Plus, there really is no reason for me to stay. I do not feel good walking down the path that I've shared with the person who came as a gift to me... To trigger memories that are on the darker side isn't exactly what I'm looking for in the future...
My parents will kill me for this... my friends will throw stones at me... but, yes, I am that hopeless.
Whatever it is, I do not intend to permanently reside at any one place. I really have no idea what I really want. I know where my dream lies, but I have no means to achieve it. I do not know where I want to be at the moment. Whatever I do, I still think of what my parents want for me and how best not to disappoint them. As much as I know I should do what I want despite of their expectations, and that I should prove to them I can do it, somehow I am just not confident to do it.
I appeared to be immature to people who have seen and experienced a lot more. They all seemed so sensible. No wonder no one really takes me seriously - maybe because I am just not sensible enough... I am not matured enough. Who would want such a person beside him (or her)? I will not only cause a hindrance, I cannot be the person to open the gates of a heart. WHY? I am too protected since young. I have not seen a lot for my age. Friends younger than me are more matured than me. Is it because I am stupid? Or because something happened somewhere during puberty that caused brain deformation? I seem so vulnerable, gullible and naive, that I appear to be brainless.
And after being told that I should always follow my dreams and not always guarding what my parents want of me out of my life, I realised, too, the difference between me and the chosen one. I realised why I wasn't the chosen one. Assuming the 'chosen one' is a 'she'... The chosen one knows her path, and managed to persuade and convince her parents with her dreams. The chosen one was sensible and matured, no one needs to spend so much effort trying to make her understand how things work. The chosen one did not pose as a problem, and is a source of happiness rather than worry and disgust. The chosen one is challenging and smart. The chosen one can compete. Not to mention, the chosen one is attractive. The chosen one is an angel. The chosen one will forever be the chosen one.
Haiz... so how can I be the chosen one? It is a futile effort to try so hard, yet getting pushed away all the time. Unrecognized efforts - why am I still trying so hard then? It does not get me anywhere. So I start to stop making an effort. I showed my unreasonable side and my temper. I showed all my flaws so that it is more justifiable why I am not the chosen one. 2007 has taught me one big lesson in my entire 24 years of living: what it feels like to be utterly hopeless.
Parents wish for me to stay here... get a job... enjoy benefits here... Singapore? Too small, too competitive, too economic-depressed, too saturated, too little chances especially for people who wants to work in the media... Honestly, I do not intend to go back to Singapore just as yet either. I want to go around the world. But then, financial capabilities pose as a huge issue for me to consider. So much hindrance, so much to consider... Why can't life just be simpler?
Sometimes I just want to simplify things. I just want to be the 'chosen one' for my 'chosen one'. I gasp at how different I am now. I've never seen this side of me before, and I believe most of my friends wouldn't have either. I never surrendered myself to things as trivial as love. Studies, job, future career and earning money have always been tops on my list. Nothing will ever knock them off from their top priority in my life. But since 2007, I've changed so much. I do not recognise who I really am anymore.
Still, after digressing, the boiling question still comes down to: my movements after graduation. Stay? Or go? Can I really stay? Do I really have somewhere to go? I hate saying 'I don't know' too, but why am I totally blank now??
The thing is, I know I am eligible to stay, but, I do not feel like staying.
After all, I do not really fancy Australia... Melbourne's nice, but I am getting bored. It's not exactly THE place I want to be at.
I have alot of friends here, which made this place nicer and friendlier to reside, and makes life less mundane. However, these reasons are not sufficient to spur my intentions to stay.
Furthermore, people come and go. People I've built close friendships with are leaving me one by one. The very ONE aspect in life that I cannot accept - people leaving me and we all got to move on. Why is it just so hard for me?
Plus, there really is no reason for me to stay. I do not feel good walking down the path that I've shared with the person who came as a gift to me... To trigger memories that are on the darker side isn't exactly what I'm looking for in the future...
My parents will kill me for this... my friends will throw stones at me... but, yes, I am that hopeless.
Whatever it is, I do not intend to permanently reside at any one place. I really have no idea what I really want. I know where my dream lies, but I have no means to achieve it. I do not know where I want to be at the moment. Whatever I do, I still think of what my parents want for me and how best not to disappoint them. As much as I know I should do what I want despite of their expectations, and that I should prove to them I can do it, somehow I am just not confident to do it.
I appeared to be immature to people who have seen and experienced a lot more. They all seemed so sensible. No wonder no one really takes me seriously - maybe because I am just not sensible enough... I am not matured enough. Who would want such a person beside him (or her)? I will not only cause a hindrance, I cannot be the person to open the gates of a heart. WHY? I am too protected since young. I have not seen a lot for my age. Friends younger than me are more matured than me. Is it because I am stupid? Or because something happened somewhere during puberty that caused brain deformation? I seem so vulnerable, gullible and naive, that I appear to be brainless.
And after being told that I should always follow my dreams and not always guarding what my parents want of me out of my life, I realised, too, the difference between me and the chosen one. I realised why I wasn't the chosen one. Assuming the 'chosen one' is a 'she'... The chosen one knows her path, and managed to persuade and convince her parents with her dreams. The chosen one was sensible and matured, no one needs to spend so much effort trying to make her understand how things work. The chosen one did not pose as a problem, and is a source of happiness rather than worry and disgust. The chosen one is challenging and smart. The chosen one can compete. Not to mention, the chosen one is attractive. The chosen one is an angel. The chosen one will forever be the chosen one.
Haiz... so how can I be the chosen one? It is a futile effort to try so hard, yet getting pushed away all the time. Unrecognized efforts - why am I still trying so hard then? It does not get me anywhere. So I start to stop making an effort. I showed my unreasonable side and my temper. I showed all my flaws so that it is more justifiable why I am not the chosen one. 2007 has taught me one big lesson in my entire 24 years of living: what it feels like to be utterly hopeless.
Parents wish for me to stay here... get a job... enjoy benefits here... Singapore? Too small, too competitive, too economic-depressed, too saturated, too little chances especially for people who wants to work in the media... Honestly, I do not intend to go back to Singapore just as yet either. I want to go around the world. But then, financial capabilities pose as a huge issue for me to consider. So much hindrance, so much to consider... Why can't life just be simpler?
Sometimes I just want to simplify things. I just want to be the 'chosen one' for my 'chosen one'. I gasp at how different I am now. I've never seen this side of me before, and I believe most of my friends wouldn't have either. I never surrendered myself to things as trivial as love. Studies, job, future career and earning money have always been tops on my list. Nothing will ever knock them off from their top priority in my life. But since 2007, I've changed so much. I do not recognise who I really am anymore.
Still, after digressing, the boiling question still comes down to: my movements after graduation. Stay? Or go? Can I really stay? Do I really have somewhere to go? I hate saying 'I don't know' too, but why am I totally blank now??
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