Affirmation
2 days ago, once again, I washed my face with unstoppable tears
Yet I was in a situation where I could not make myself scarce, yet I cannot make myself known either...
My heart was struck by lightning, this time for a different reason, but in the same context...
To all these emotional strain that I've been put through, all the hopes I've lost, there is still this tiny little pride that still remains in me. A dignity that I managed to keep
But my pride and dignity, together with my hurt and disappointments, ignites into the end product of unreasonable, nonsense and illogical me.
Something that never defined Clarice...
Something that even Clarice herself finds shocking, and amazing...
The funny part is, I'm so conscious all those while when those wrong words came gushing out of my mouth at the wrong time, which will only turn people off...
I knew so well that I should have held myself back
But somehow no matter how hard I tried, I still let my daggers fly...
Somehow I would say things that pricks, then feel awful after I turn my back...
Things that I've said that will only make me lose my 'gift' earlier...
Behaviours that I've put on that will only make my 'gift' repel against me...
Yet I still do it...
If my 'gift' hates me, perhaps that will be a good thing. It is more justifiable why I wasn't the 'chosen one'...
It will be 'me'. And just 'me'.
But if my precious 'gift' can be shielded from damage, I will be willing to do it.
Anyway, whatever has happened, happened...
There is no point ractifying, confronting, mulling over it...
What I've seen taught me a valuable lesson: the (possible) real face behind some people...
The sore intentions these people (might) hold for me...
The mask they wore all these while, yet tore them behind my back, not expecting that I will turn my back in time to see.
People sweet talk and comfort me, because I am that naive to believe the 'angelic' side of them
It is too scary to salvage this thinking
No matter what my heart tells me,
And how my feelings for my 'gift' never ceased til today...
The conclusion has never changed...
And it seems like the conclusion is here to stay...
So even if it means I need to silently suffer, I got to carry on
Quietly, discreetly, secretly...
My 'gift' will never know...
My 'gift' will never see me cry...
My 'gift' will not feel the pain I feel...
My 'gift' wouldn't really care...
All my 'gift' could do is to exert more cracks in my already shattered heart...
This 'gift' has sharp edges. Intoxicating contents.
The 'gift' that I can never dream of...
The 'gift' with the 'Open at your own risk' tag attached on it...
But the 'gift' came to me with arms wide open, bringing full of pleasant surprises...
Yet it is locked so well that I do not have the right key to open it...
What shall I do then? Will time eventually open it up for me?
Or will time simply just store away this 'gift' somewhere deep in the storeroom and soon dust and cobwebs will collect?
Everything just seems so difficult at this moment...
So suffocating, so paralyzing...
How do I handle this?
Why is it that my prayers are never answered?
Why is it that I am still waiting for the phone to ring every night?
Why am I still crying??
Anyway, to:
YC - I really thank you, and appreciate the times you are willing to spend with me to console me, provide really good advices, and you've been a really good counselor (whether you realised it or not). Your advices do nourish me, and as I've said, they sounded more credible than some people (grins*). I hope you will be happy, gal... Don't be a miserable person like me!
Sha - Thank you for putting up with the sobs and gulps and gasping for breath, sandwiched with tears that you can't see but you can hear them so distinctively. Thank you for sacrificing your 'lose weight' 'program' and pigged out and drank with me... Grateful for a housemate like u! You're really a darling!
Yongshan - Even though this gal may or may not be aware of my story, and my misery, but the things she said indirectly helps. Her reasonings and views and thoughts of life and various stuff can actually remind me of alot of things that I should do, and practice. Though she may not know it, I am grateful for her company. Always.
Perhaps life isn't so bad when you have friends who care to walk along the tough road with you... I wonder when will I see the end to this... Hopefully before I know it, the sun will rise right before my eyes, signifying dawn has come, and a new beginning has arrived. Let's all see it together~ *hook pinkies!*
Yet I was in a situation where I could not make myself scarce, yet I cannot make myself known either...
My heart was struck by lightning, this time for a different reason, but in the same context...
To all these emotional strain that I've been put through, all the hopes I've lost, there is still this tiny little pride that still remains in me. A dignity that I managed to keep
But my pride and dignity, together with my hurt and disappointments, ignites into the end product of unreasonable, nonsense and illogical me.
Something that never defined Clarice...
Something that even Clarice herself finds shocking, and amazing...
The funny part is, I'm so conscious all those while when those wrong words came gushing out of my mouth at the wrong time, which will only turn people off...
I knew so well that I should have held myself back
But somehow no matter how hard I tried, I still let my daggers fly...
Somehow I would say things that pricks, then feel awful after I turn my back...
Things that I've said that will only make me lose my 'gift' earlier...
Behaviours that I've put on that will only make my 'gift' repel against me...
Yet I still do it...
If my 'gift' hates me, perhaps that will be a good thing. It is more justifiable why I wasn't the 'chosen one'...
It will be 'me'. And just 'me'.
But if my precious 'gift' can be shielded from damage, I will be willing to do it.
Anyway, whatever has happened, happened...
There is no point ractifying, confronting, mulling over it...
What I've seen taught me a valuable lesson: the (possible) real face behind some people...
The sore intentions these people (might) hold for me...
The mask they wore all these while, yet tore them behind my back, not expecting that I will turn my back in time to see.
People sweet talk and comfort me, because I am that naive to believe the 'angelic' side of them
It is too scary to salvage this thinking
No matter what my heart tells me,
And how my feelings for my 'gift' never ceased til today...
The conclusion has never changed...
And it seems like the conclusion is here to stay...
So even if it means I need to silently suffer, I got to carry on
Quietly, discreetly, secretly...
My 'gift' will never know...
My 'gift' will never see me cry...
My 'gift' will not feel the pain I feel...
My 'gift' wouldn't really care...
All my 'gift' could do is to exert more cracks in my already shattered heart...
This 'gift' has sharp edges. Intoxicating contents.
The 'gift' that I can never dream of...
The 'gift' with the 'Open at your own risk' tag attached on it...
But the 'gift' came to me with arms wide open, bringing full of pleasant surprises...
Yet it is locked so well that I do not have the right key to open it...
What shall I do then? Will time eventually open it up for me?
Or will time simply just store away this 'gift' somewhere deep in the storeroom and soon dust and cobwebs will collect?
Everything just seems so difficult at this moment...
So suffocating, so paralyzing...
How do I handle this?
Why is it that my prayers are never answered?
Why is it that I am still waiting for the phone to ring every night?
Why am I still crying??
Anyway, to:
YC - I really thank you, and appreciate the times you are willing to spend with me to console me, provide really good advices, and you've been a really good counselor (whether you realised it or not). Your advices do nourish me, and as I've said, they sounded more credible than some people (grins*). I hope you will be happy, gal... Don't be a miserable person like me!
Sha - Thank you for putting up with the sobs and gulps and gasping for breath, sandwiched with tears that you can't see but you can hear them so distinctively. Thank you for sacrificing your 'lose weight' 'program' and pigged out and drank with me... Grateful for a housemate like u! You're really a darling!
Yongshan - Even though this gal may or may not be aware of my story, and my misery, but the things she said indirectly helps. Her reasonings and views and thoughts of life and various stuff can actually remind me of alot of things that I should do, and practice. Though she may not know it, I am grateful for her company. Always.
Perhaps life isn't so bad when you have friends who care to walk along the tough road with you... I wonder when will I see the end to this... Hopefully before I know it, the sun will rise right before my eyes, signifying dawn has come, and a new beginning has arrived. Let's all see it together~ *hook pinkies!*
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