So hard yet it's a MUST
TODAY, is the fourth day....
I am not sure how long will I be able to sustain this determination to move on, but I hope that I will continue my journey without much interference.
I am also not sure what has actually sparked this sudden 'stimulation' to really move on. Maybe ever since last Tuesday, I have been 'electrocuted' with the realisation that he doesn't really have the intention to let go of the girl, and when confronted with this problem, he simply did not want to talk about it. He shunned from reality, he has been really selfish towards my feelings. With that I've finally woke up and tell myself: "Hey this turmoil which lasted almost a year now, is really not worth it".
After Tuesday, I did not receive anymore calls which will sound my "별" ringtone. Wednesday's gone, Thursday's gone... After my very first program on Friday, still no call... Knowing that even though I am not a real DJ in a commercial radio, it is still something that forms part of my dreams and aspiration, and that this program means alot to me... Still, no calls to ask how it went. Maybe I am expecting too much out of something that someone is not 'liable' to do, but somewhere in me is just hoping that will happen. Besides, shouldn't he at least care? (Since he preaches that he does...) But no, nothing happened. Even if it's just the most ordinary call with the most ordinary chat...... nothing at all. It has been a few days since we talked, am I not missed? Apparently so. Saturday's come and gone. And apparently he did not try to look for me either... If he had and has realised that I'm not reachable, perhaps he would have done something.... like contacting my housemate, or write me a mail or something. But... nothing... My heart has already turned stone cold.
I made a huge decision to cut all contacts. On Saturday, I made a few blocks on MSN, which I have to, though I am apologetic to all of those I've ended up blocking, cuz they are 'innocently' connected to this situation. But I have no choice. On Sunday, I went to Chadstone and signed up a new Nokia E65 with 3 Network. I've gotten myself a new number, which I disclosed to most of those I usually contact, except peeps from workplace. Though I've always intended to get a new phone (my old one sometimes give me weird problems), but I wasn't planning this soon.
I keep asking myself: Why did I quit my job so soon? What was my purpose? It was to exit his life and move on! Since I've already said that, why am I still in touch with him? If I am still in touch with him, why should I live an income-less life and having such a hard time adjusting to a jobless life? So, with that light, I thought that since I have already set out a goal in the first place, I should at least pursue it. Isn't that what we should do for anything in life, anyway?
It's been really hard for me to do all these things, just to move on. There has been a really fierce internal struggle... One, I've been struggling to keep my hands off my old phone so that I will not switch it on and face disappointment. As YC has said, Ignorance is bliss. How true! Two, I've been struggling to stop missing him because I cannot see him nor hear him. Three, I've been struggling not to cry at night when I go to sleep. Four, I am trying not to cry even in daytime when I am working on my thesis... Five, I hope I do not turn alcoholic just because of this. Six, I do not want to wake up with vomits in my bed just because I drank myself silly, and have to clean up after my own mess amidst of a hangover. Seven, I am trying my best to go on with my routine life with a smile on my face, and hopefully all this will come naturally as time passes me by.
As much as I wanted to trust him, and all the things he has said, but there is something he said I do not agree, and I have not voiced this to him (which I don't think I will for now). He said we have very different ways of thinking, and also different ways of letting go. My way of letting go is to stop seeing the person. His way of letting go is when he see the person find happiness. But, how long will that be? More importantly, 'happiness' can be defined in so many ways, not just in relation to 'love and relationships'. What if she's now happily single? Furthermore, whilst he is looking after her when she finds her happiness, what about someone else who is living in melancholy? Let's say I view things his way, and I will move on when HE finds happiness... will I be able to move on, knowing that he is not happy watching HER find HER happiness... ? It is just not going to work this way... and if I am going to keep myself intertwine in this web of hopelessness, there will be no way for me to get out and lead a happier life. I realised I am not that strong afterall. I had intended to wait. But I guess I am 'ageing' faster than I have expected.
How can I describe my plight right now? Perhaps, I went under the knife and am now in ICU recuperating. Maybe, as time goes by and I am feeling less hurt and less traumatised, I will meet him again, with a different Clarice, and a different feeling altogether. Who knows how long that will be... and what will happen... That is something I dare not even think or hope for. Just let nature take its course, and hopefully I will get discharged soon.
I am not sure how long will I be able to sustain this determination to move on, but I hope that I will continue my journey without much interference.
I am also not sure what has actually sparked this sudden 'stimulation' to really move on. Maybe ever since last Tuesday, I have been 'electrocuted' with the realisation that he doesn't really have the intention to let go of the girl, and when confronted with this problem, he simply did not want to talk about it. He shunned from reality, he has been really selfish towards my feelings. With that I've finally woke up and tell myself: "Hey this turmoil which lasted almost a year now, is really not worth it".
After Tuesday, I did not receive anymore calls which will sound my "별" ringtone. Wednesday's gone, Thursday's gone... After my very first program on Friday, still no call... Knowing that even though I am not a real DJ in a commercial radio, it is still something that forms part of my dreams and aspiration, and that this program means alot to me... Still, no calls to ask how it went. Maybe I am expecting too much out of something that someone is not 'liable' to do, but somewhere in me is just hoping that will happen. Besides, shouldn't he at least care? (Since he preaches that he does...) But no, nothing happened. Even if it's just the most ordinary call with the most ordinary chat...... nothing at all. It has been a few days since we talked, am I not missed? Apparently so. Saturday's come and gone. And apparently he did not try to look for me either... If he had and has realised that I'm not reachable, perhaps he would have done something.... like contacting my housemate, or write me a mail or something. But... nothing... My heart has already turned stone cold.
I made a huge decision to cut all contacts. On Saturday, I made a few blocks on MSN, which I have to, though I am apologetic to all of those I've ended up blocking, cuz they are 'innocently' connected to this situation. But I have no choice. On Sunday, I went to Chadstone and signed up a new Nokia E65 with 3 Network. I've gotten myself a new number, which I disclosed to most of those I usually contact, except peeps from workplace. Though I've always intended to get a new phone (my old one sometimes give me weird problems), but I wasn't planning this soon.
I keep asking myself: Why did I quit my job so soon? What was my purpose? It was to exit his life and move on! Since I've already said that, why am I still in touch with him? If I am still in touch with him, why should I live an income-less life and having such a hard time adjusting to a jobless life? So, with that light, I thought that since I have already set out a goal in the first place, I should at least pursue it. Isn't that what we should do for anything in life, anyway?
It's been really hard for me to do all these things, just to move on. There has been a really fierce internal struggle... One, I've been struggling to keep my hands off my old phone so that I will not switch it on and face disappointment. As YC has said, Ignorance is bliss. How true! Two, I've been struggling to stop missing him because I cannot see him nor hear him. Three, I've been struggling not to cry at night when I go to sleep. Four, I am trying not to cry even in daytime when I am working on my thesis... Five, I hope I do not turn alcoholic just because of this. Six, I do not want to wake up with vomits in my bed just because I drank myself silly, and have to clean up after my own mess amidst of a hangover. Seven, I am trying my best to go on with my routine life with a smile on my face, and hopefully all this will come naturally as time passes me by.
As much as I wanted to trust him, and all the things he has said, but there is something he said I do not agree, and I have not voiced this to him (which I don't think I will for now). He said we have very different ways of thinking, and also different ways of letting go. My way of letting go is to stop seeing the person. His way of letting go is when he see the person find happiness. But, how long will that be? More importantly, 'happiness' can be defined in so many ways, not just in relation to 'love and relationships'. What if she's now happily single? Furthermore, whilst he is looking after her when she finds her happiness, what about someone else who is living in melancholy? Let's say I view things his way, and I will move on when HE finds happiness... will I be able to move on, knowing that he is not happy watching HER find HER happiness... ? It is just not going to work this way... and if I am going to keep myself intertwine in this web of hopelessness, there will be no way for me to get out and lead a happier life. I realised I am not that strong afterall. I had intended to wait. But I guess I am 'ageing' faster than I have expected.
How can I describe my plight right now? Perhaps, I went under the knife and am now in ICU recuperating. Maybe, as time goes by and I am feeling less hurt and less traumatised, I will meet him again, with a different Clarice, and a different feeling altogether. Who knows how long that will be... and what will happen... That is something I dare not even think or hope for. Just let nature take its course, and hopefully I will get discharged soon.
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