Confessions
Confessions...
On Wednesday night, everything came to light.
On Wednesday night, all the feelings I've kept hidden and concealed for so long were poured out and exposed naked...
It is also then I realised that my attepmt to keep my feelings concealed were futile because our mutual friends can see the way I feel for him
I confessed my long-hidden feelings to him on MSN.
But that's cuz we had an argument and when things calmed, he asked me about it, and told me to answer truthfully.
Turns out, he already knew about it... long time ago...
But to keep me close and take care of me as his sister, he chose to ignore it. Furthermore, he wasn't absolutely sure if what he felt was absolutely right....
It was a long story... We talked the entire night online until 5.30am in the morning..
He said, if he had known me before he knew her, he will definitely go after me. Fate and timing were strange...
He said, I am his type. The girl-next-door type. He would have gone for me. Afterall, he has always treated me much better than the rest and his other friends. I'm really someone special.
He said, if I am still the old clarice, who knows what will happen. He said I've changed. I'm no longer the Clarice who is happy, who will tell him everything, and who will not get angry at the slightest thing. The Clarice he know always put others infront of her... The only part of Clarice that seems to stay...
He said, he is not comforting me. He is not rejecting me. What he's saying to me is all true.
He said, "pls.. do not exit my life, I cannot imagine life without you! U silly sis!!"... But I told him, it might be difficult at first, but he will eventually get used to it.
He said, he still cannot let her go yet. He needs time. But he is already starting to let go.
He said, he understood how I feel, and why I behave the way I did. Because I'm looking at him do things to her, and yet he's still lonely. But I can't have him do these things to me, and I feel lonely too.
He said, he cannot give me anything now. He needs time.
My feelings?
To me, even though he said he's not rejecting me, but he's not accepting me either. So it's still equals to rejection. I've long anticipated that this is the eventual outcome. It wasn't a massive heart attack, or surprise. Heartbreak... that's inevitable.
To me, even though he said those things and claimed he's not trying to comfort me, but who knows for sure he's not?
To me, I am still the same old Clarice. But I've changed when I'm with him.
To me, I cannot keep holding on... I need to let go. Because... I do not know how long he will take to move on. I know he takes a long time, and he said so too. The more I wait, the more hope I give myself, the deeper the hurt will be.
To me, I am irked at the fact that fate and time have played a nasty trick on us. Why hadn't I met him earlier? Why must I meet him after he has already fell for her, and then let me fall for him?
To me, I am very clear that there is no hope left between us. Even if he managed to let go, it does not mean that he will develop feelings for me. Afterall, feelings cannot be forced.
In a way, I feel very relieved that I've eventually let him know how I feel, even though he knew everything from the start already. That's how smart and sensitive he is. He told me, nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is that now I know he knows. All throughout our conversation, he has been very nice to me... Even though I feel very hurt, but I am glad I have admitted the truth to him.
At the current stage, I am still wishing and hoping.... Hoping he will call me. Wishing that he will come and wait for me to knock off to send me to train station.... etc... Things he will volunteeringly do for her, hoping he will do for me too. But I know, I have to stop it. I know I cannot expect anything. I cannot hope for anything that he cannot give me. No matter how much I wish that he can walk that road home with me, I have to force myself to steer the wheel away from him and walk on my own. I've told him not to treat me too nice or too good now... I cannot afford to feel happy cuz he is super nice to me, yet at the same time the feeling of hopelessness is so overwhelming that it suffocates me...
My solution?
Friends told me not to wait. Carry on with my life. Move on. Forget him. Takes time to heal, and this process will be very painful, but I have to stop all my contacts with him.
I appreciate my friends' advice, and it's true in every way, and good for me too.
But I cannot help it but trust him, as my brother, that he does not have any bad intentions for me, and that he is sincere and really cares for me. I really believe him.
In a sense, I know he's suffering too. He suffered rejection after rejection from her, yet he cannot let go of her. He feels the same way as I do too, because I cannot let go of him. I will still be looking at his back looking at him looking at her back... So what can I do? I want to stand by his side this moment and comfort him, but am I supposed to do that?? Who can comfort me then?
On Thursday, I've formally told Andrew that I will be quitting my job. As I only told him this Thursday, it'll only be fair that I give one week notice, and work til next week. Andrew said he'll tell his dad about it, but should be ok to leave as I wish. He (as in, my brother) was also there when I told Andrew this... And he turned sullenly quiet. I've told him I will quit, and one of the reason is to leave him (amongst other reasons such as low pay and my school work's piling up, just to not make him feel too bad), and then 'exit his life'. Now he will know that I'm for real. So, I will be working up til next Sunday. Then it will be Goodbye to Singapore Chom Chom! It's sad to leave this way, and I'll miss those who I've had fun working with now, and the uncles who 'sayang' me so much..., but I do not have a choice. But I will still be with him to support him, but I cannot be there physically for him, but my heart will be cheering him on.
My Conclusion:
I will still wait for him. But I will also start to move on as well... Knowing myself well, I know that the process will be excruciating long, slow and extremely wrenching. After next week, it will be a few weeks I will need to adapt to the life of living without him with me... I believe it will be a torture, but I hope I will survive that phase... And then, when he has eventually let go, and I am still somewhere near where I am at the current stage, I will turn back for him. But, if by that time I have already walked far, then that means, we're not meant to be.
I know time will heal all wounds, but I just am not sure how much time this will be... I also dunno how much tears I will continue to shed, but hopefully before long, I will see the sun shining on me again.... And when that happens, all that's left will be a scar, which will stay with me forever, yet being able to step out of the little square confinement that I've trapped myself in for so long now, the mere thought of it seems really comforting.
On Wednesday night, everything came to light.
On Wednesday night, all the feelings I've kept hidden and concealed for so long were poured out and exposed naked...
It is also then I realised that my attepmt to keep my feelings concealed were futile because our mutual friends can see the way I feel for him
I confessed my long-hidden feelings to him on MSN.
But that's cuz we had an argument and when things calmed, he asked me about it, and told me to answer truthfully.
Turns out, he already knew about it... long time ago...
But to keep me close and take care of me as his sister, he chose to ignore it. Furthermore, he wasn't absolutely sure if what he felt was absolutely right....
It was a long story... We talked the entire night online until 5.30am in the morning..
He said, if he had known me before he knew her, he will definitely go after me. Fate and timing were strange...
He said, I am his type. The girl-next-door type. He would have gone for me. Afterall, he has always treated me much better than the rest and his other friends. I'm really someone special.
He said, if I am still the old clarice, who knows what will happen. He said I've changed. I'm no longer the Clarice who is happy, who will tell him everything, and who will not get angry at the slightest thing. The Clarice he know always put others infront of her... The only part of Clarice that seems to stay...
He said, he is not comforting me. He is not rejecting me. What he's saying to me is all true.
He said, "pls.. do not exit my life, I cannot imagine life without you! U silly sis!!"... But I told him, it might be difficult at first, but he will eventually get used to it.
He said, he still cannot let her go yet. He needs time. But he is already starting to let go.
He said, he understood how I feel, and why I behave the way I did. Because I'm looking at him do things to her, and yet he's still lonely. But I can't have him do these things to me, and I feel lonely too.
He said, he cannot give me anything now. He needs time.
My feelings?
To me, even though he said he's not rejecting me, but he's not accepting me either. So it's still equals to rejection. I've long anticipated that this is the eventual outcome. It wasn't a massive heart attack, or surprise. Heartbreak... that's inevitable.
To me, even though he said those things and claimed he's not trying to comfort me, but who knows for sure he's not?
To me, I am still the same old Clarice. But I've changed when I'm with him.
To me, I cannot keep holding on... I need to let go. Because... I do not know how long he will take to move on. I know he takes a long time, and he said so too. The more I wait, the more hope I give myself, the deeper the hurt will be.
To me, I am irked at the fact that fate and time have played a nasty trick on us. Why hadn't I met him earlier? Why must I meet him after he has already fell for her, and then let me fall for him?
To me, I am very clear that there is no hope left between us. Even if he managed to let go, it does not mean that he will develop feelings for me. Afterall, feelings cannot be forced.
In a way, I feel very relieved that I've eventually let him know how I feel, even though he knew everything from the start already. That's how smart and sensitive he is. He told me, nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is that now I know he knows. All throughout our conversation, he has been very nice to me... Even though I feel very hurt, but I am glad I have admitted the truth to him.
At the current stage, I am still wishing and hoping.... Hoping he will call me. Wishing that he will come and wait for me to knock off to send me to train station.... etc... Things he will volunteeringly do for her, hoping he will do for me too. But I know, I have to stop it. I know I cannot expect anything. I cannot hope for anything that he cannot give me. No matter how much I wish that he can walk that road home with me, I have to force myself to steer the wheel away from him and walk on my own. I've told him not to treat me too nice or too good now... I cannot afford to feel happy cuz he is super nice to me, yet at the same time the feeling of hopelessness is so overwhelming that it suffocates me...
My solution?
Friends told me not to wait. Carry on with my life. Move on. Forget him. Takes time to heal, and this process will be very painful, but I have to stop all my contacts with him.
I appreciate my friends' advice, and it's true in every way, and good for me too.
But I cannot help it but trust him, as my brother, that he does not have any bad intentions for me, and that he is sincere and really cares for me. I really believe him.
In a sense, I know he's suffering too. He suffered rejection after rejection from her, yet he cannot let go of her. He feels the same way as I do too, because I cannot let go of him. I will still be looking at his back looking at him looking at her back... So what can I do? I want to stand by his side this moment and comfort him, but am I supposed to do that?? Who can comfort me then?
On Thursday, I've formally told Andrew that I will be quitting my job. As I only told him this Thursday, it'll only be fair that I give one week notice, and work til next week. Andrew said he'll tell his dad about it, but should be ok to leave as I wish. He (as in, my brother) was also there when I told Andrew this... And he turned sullenly quiet. I've told him I will quit, and one of the reason is to leave him (amongst other reasons such as low pay and my school work's piling up, just to not make him feel too bad), and then 'exit his life'. Now he will know that I'm for real. So, I will be working up til next Sunday. Then it will be Goodbye to Singapore Chom Chom! It's sad to leave this way, and I'll miss those who I've had fun working with now, and the uncles who 'sayang' me so much..., but I do not have a choice. But I will still be with him to support him, but I cannot be there physically for him, but my heart will be cheering him on.
My Conclusion:
I will still wait for him. But I will also start to move on as well... Knowing myself well, I know that the process will be excruciating long, slow and extremely wrenching. After next week, it will be a few weeks I will need to adapt to the life of living without him with me... I believe it will be a torture, but I hope I will survive that phase... And then, when he has eventually let go, and I am still somewhere near where I am at the current stage, I will turn back for him. But, if by that time I have already walked far, then that means, we're not meant to be.
I know time will heal all wounds, but I just am not sure how much time this will be... I also dunno how much tears I will continue to shed, but hopefully before long, I will see the sun shining on me again.... And when that happens, all that's left will be a scar, which will stay with me forever, yet being able to step out of the little square confinement that I've trapped myself in for so long now, the mere thought of it seems really comforting.
Comments