Shaky but steady... A question mark still...
This week has been the semester break, but it has been a hell for me too. First things first, I've been working on my assignments this entire week, going to the postgraduate room everyday to work on my thesis, and also my another upcoming 5000 words essay for Media Ethics... which I've just decided on a topic, but still in the 'reading process'. Progress is really slow, but at least it's moving bit by bit... There is just a wide array of things to focus on and not alot of time left! And I am really not someone who can divert my attention for so many different things. Luckily I am not alone. Glad to have YC to have lunch with me these days (and a good chat with that!) and we work together in the postgrad room as well. Good to have some company even though we're all managing our own theses, and tearing our own hair out... hehe... But we just have 1.5 months more, so work hard for this remaining period of time!!
However, no matter how stressed I am, the worst hell for me now is: Cutting all contacts with him. It has been a week already... I've managed to keep myself from breaking down and preservere until today. Many a time I wanted to just switch on the old phone and give him a call just to hear his voice. There isn't a minute that has passed without him on my mind. At night, I couldn't sleep and I'll check my msn to see if he's safely back home, even though he can't see me cuz I've blocked him. I'll cry before I sleep even if I tried not to. And I can't eat very well either, though I try to stuff myself... I'm trying keep holding on, and not to show too much of how shaky I am... and hoping everything will pass as time goes by... The thinking that I held in my mind is: However impossible it may seem, I just want to go back to pre-Chom Chom days, the days before I knew him.... Perhaps as time goes by, that will start to take effect?
Somehow, I started to feel guilty that I just 'disappeared' like that... No word, no sound, no signal, no clue... And he has been looking for me. He tried calling my housemate and our mutual friend to ask what has happened to me. Luckily my friends helped me, so he didn't get to know anything... I know he'll be worried, but I think he'll know why if he really sits down to think about it. Given his intelligence, he'll definitely realise the reason behind why I did what I did, sooner or later. And when he knows, he'll stop trying to call my friends for queries regarding me... He wouldn't go that far. If he still cares for me, he'll let me go... (I think?)
And I feel very uneasy and upsetting that along this hurtful process, I need to sacrifice a few friendships... just to get to my goal... They might never understand why I did that, or even if they do, I've probably left a dent in our relationships. I really dunno what I can do in this situation. I am straddling between giving up this struggle and contact him back, and simply go on with what I am doing. But I guess the latter is overpowering my mind and heart... As much as I want to talk to him, see him, feel him beside me, I just cannot let go of my determination to move on.... I started to think of the things he has done for the girl... and part of me is having a wishful thinking that perhaps he will be able to do alot more things for her with me out of the picture. I also cannot explain why it will hurt so much for me, but I know this has got to stop. It has been so long already, always holding on to a hope that something good will happen. But nothing has happened, and never will happen. Why am I still holding on then? So now, I'm slowly letting everything go....
It's such a painful process... I dunno how many people can know how much pain I am actually going through, but, I just have to bear with it for the time being... I just hope I will not collapse anytime soon....
********************************************************
Either way, amidst of my stress and misery, I managed to have a little bit of 'relaxation', to make up for the rest of my mundane semester break... I've already forgone Mid-Autumn Festival (which was on Tuesday 25/9), Royal Melbourne Show as well as a couple of dinner outings with the friends I've sacrificed.... *sigh*... Just for the sake of my assignments... But I did managed to meet up with Chris on Wednesday night for dinner, and cooking session on Friday night with Chris again, and Yong Shan and Suya. I suspect all three of them know about my situation, but they are not voicing it out... I've never really told them exactly what's going on between me and him, and the reason why I changed my number, as well as my emphasis that no one in Chom Chom must know, not even him~ They did not pursue the reason, but I know they know, and they know I know they knew... Lol... either way, in Chinese they call "心照不宣"... We just focused on having a good time with each other's company.
Wednesday night, met up with Chris, and we had dinner at "Shanghai Dumpling House" and we each ordered a bowl of Jajangmyun (炸酱面 - the Chinese version with minced meat), a plate of 15 dumplings, and another plate of red bean 'pastry' (豆沙煎饼). It doesn't sound like a lot actually, but Chris and I could't finish everything, and we were full already... But what can you expect. Chris is not a big eater, and I am not having a very good appetite, but we ordered so much. But, we WERE hungry when we went into the restaurant...........
炸酱面
Dumplings... 15-1 of them here...
豆沙煎饼
My usual 'routine' and 'ritual' (??) hahahaha... photos first before u eat!
And another 'tradition' - photo together after the meal! hahaha...
On Friday, we went to Yongshan and Suya's house for dinner... But this time round, we did not buy dinner back, neither did the host do all the cooking... We each contributed a dish. Knowing that I can't really cook, I contributed the dish that I am most confident with - Kimchi fried rice... Well at least people did give thumbs up for my fried rice before...
So we went over, and whilst Chris and Yongshan went out to get some ingredients for Chris' cake, I cooked my dish... and chatted with Suya... She told me so much last night... about her relationship, which was sweet yet it failed. It's a really long story, but I listened in to every single detail. I know I do not have the ability to help her, nor am I a person with expert advice, but the best I can do is to be a good listener. I did advice her before, this sentence that I got from a friend of mine, and I revised it: "If you cannot change the situation, you will have to change yourself". She seems to have taken this sentence in (she put it as her msn nick)... which is something that is hard for her to do, but she has to do. Same applies to me. Whilst listening to her and giving whatever piece of advice I can give, I am also advising myself at the same time.
All of them gave thumbs up for my kimchi fried rice, and finished it all up... which made me really relieved.... lol.... As Chris has commented: "You always said you can't cook, but unexpectedly the things you cook have some standard!" to which I replied: "Yeah... I only know how to cook this! Hahaha..." which is quite true! Lol... The vegetarian dish that Suya and Yongshan cook was nice as well, and very healthy. Suya also made red bean rice cake, which was superb! And also, Chris made his cake... I dunno if that is a marble cake, a butter cake, a chocolate sponge cake, or whatever name it is... it has got dark chocolate on top, spongy at the bottom... Looks like there isn't enough flour, because the bottom part has this jelly feel, yet the middle layer has the spongy feel... It tasted good either way, though the top layer is kinda burnt. They said it's a tad too sweet, but I think it's just nice for me.
OH... did I mention there was also korean rice cakes (which was bought back), and red bean soup as well??? We were TOO FULL to eat anymore! So Yongshan packed some of the red bean soup for me to bring back... I also took some cake home... We talked and watched some HK variety (well I'm not exactly watching because most of the time I'm reading the Chinese subtitles lol... dang I need to learn Cantonese!) shows before heading back home... By the time I reached home it was already 1am....
All those who did get to try my kimchi fried rice liked it... maybe I should consider opening a restaurant selling only this? Hahahaha.... what the heck...
The big pot of vegetarian dish... it's nice... I love the black fungus (黑木耳) most... and the beancurd skin...
The red bean rice cake... very nice!
The cake that Chris baked...
The melted dark chocolate, which we have dipped our fingers into to taste hahaha... chocoholics we are~
Cutting the cake... and a twisted face... (or am I just too eager to taste the cake?)
Yongshan and me~
Suya and me~
Chris and me~ And I think I must start counting how many photos he took with that 'YO' sign....
After that whilst Chris and I were walking to the train station, we both felt that such gatherings are really meaningful, without having to splurge. Making some home-cooked delicacies, sitting around the table to have dinner in the comfort of our house, gives us a very warm feeling... Like a family gathering, but cuz we're all overseas without our families, good friends are the closest people we can gather with. We shall find time again to cook again. And meanwhile, maybe I should start to think of what I can cook next, and perhaps refine that. lol...
With my new phone (which has just 2.0 megapixels camera, not that good, but good enough!) I kept snapping photos here and there.... Some random stuff I've taken:
People are so passionate about vandalism, they vandalise on the floor too~
The pile of books lying in my bedroom floor, as dated on 26/9.
This pile of books had a new addition on 27/9, an amount of 7 books extra... and I have not taken any photos...
I have 28 books on loan now... and 5 on request.
I am starting to resent my assignments............ Making my short-sightedness worse from all these readings!
Imagine staring straight through the forests of books, and looking for books.... And this is just ONE aisle.
There are so much more of these aisles in that floor
And in the Matheson Library in Clayton campus, there are like... 5 floors of full of books in the Main collection.... Or maybe there's more floors?
Flinders Street station... from the inside...
Caught daydreaming red-handed during my second program...
I am proud to say I 'work' here... even though it's unofficial and unpaid.
Cooked more dinner just now... prawns with BBQ sauce (I just want to use up the sauce!) and it turned out quite good! Also fried egg with tuna and onions... And me and Sharuen just went to do some grocery shopping at Clayton town too!
Oh ya... my second program went on air yesterday as well.... It went well. Still no one wrote in, because there is no awareness at all, but I am content to be doing my own program and just talking... Well, my beloved housemate Sharuen did write in to me, wishing me happiness... Lol.... Thanks for breaking the 'No new mails' record! :-) I enjoyed playing good music too... I didn't like the website for Radio Monash, because it's seriously not updated..... My friends got confused when they accessed the website, because it did not have my program listed, and also the 'Now Playing' button showed the program name of an old program... I'm not sure when they will be updating it actually... But I guess the only way to listen in to me will be to tune in on Friday, at 4pm Melbourne time, and click on the 'Now Playing' button, you should be able to hear me squeak (or tremble) through the microphone. ;)
However, no matter how stressed I am, the worst hell for me now is: Cutting all contacts with him. It has been a week already... I've managed to keep myself from breaking down and preservere until today. Many a time I wanted to just switch on the old phone and give him a call just to hear his voice. There isn't a minute that has passed without him on my mind. At night, I couldn't sleep and I'll check my msn to see if he's safely back home, even though he can't see me cuz I've blocked him. I'll cry before I sleep even if I tried not to. And I can't eat very well either, though I try to stuff myself... I'm trying keep holding on, and not to show too much of how shaky I am... and hoping everything will pass as time goes by... The thinking that I held in my mind is: However impossible it may seem, I just want to go back to pre-Chom Chom days, the days before I knew him.... Perhaps as time goes by, that will start to take effect?
Somehow, I started to feel guilty that I just 'disappeared' like that... No word, no sound, no signal, no clue... And he has been looking for me. He tried calling my housemate and our mutual friend to ask what has happened to me. Luckily my friends helped me, so he didn't get to know anything... I know he'll be worried, but I think he'll know why if he really sits down to think about it. Given his intelligence, he'll definitely realise the reason behind why I did what I did, sooner or later. And when he knows, he'll stop trying to call my friends for queries regarding me... He wouldn't go that far. If he still cares for me, he'll let me go... (I think?)
And I feel very uneasy and upsetting that along this hurtful process, I need to sacrifice a few friendships... just to get to my goal... They might never understand why I did that, or even if they do, I've probably left a dent in our relationships. I really dunno what I can do in this situation. I am straddling between giving up this struggle and contact him back, and simply go on with what I am doing. But I guess the latter is overpowering my mind and heart... As much as I want to talk to him, see him, feel him beside me, I just cannot let go of my determination to move on.... I started to think of the things he has done for the girl... and part of me is having a wishful thinking that perhaps he will be able to do alot more things for her with me out of the picture. I also cannot explain why it will hurt so much for me, but I know this has got to stop. It has been so long already, always holding on to a hope that something good will happen. But nothing has happened, and never will happen. Why am I still holding on then? So now, I'm slowly letting everything go....
It's such a painful process... I dunno how many people can know how much pain I am actually going through, but, I just have to bear with it for the time being... I just hope I will not collapse anytime soon....
********************************************************
Either way, amidst of my stress and misery, I managed to have a little bit of 'relaxation', to make up for the rest of my mundane semester break... I've already forgone Mid-Autumn Festival (which was on Tuesday 25/9), Royal Melbourne Show as well as a couple of dinner outings with the friends I've sacrificed.... *sigh*... Just for the sake of my assignments... But I did managed to meet up with Chris on Wednesday night for dinner, and cooking session on Friday night with Chris again, and Yong Shan and Suya. I suspect all three of them know about my situation, but they are not voicing it out... I've never really told them exactly what's going on between me and him, and the reason why I changed my number, as well as my emphasis that no one in Chom Chom must know, not even him~ They did not pursue the reason, but I know they know, and they know I know they knew... Lol... either way, in Chinese they call "心照不宣"... We just focused on having a good time with each other's company.
Wednesday night, met up with Chris, and we had dinner at "Shanghai Dumpling House" and we each ordered a bowl of Jajangmyun (炸酱面 - the Chinese version with minced meat), a plate of 15 dumplings, and another plate of red bean 'pastry' (豆沙煎饼). It doesn't sound like a lot actually, but Chris and I could't finish everything, and we were full already... But what can you expect. Chris is not a big eater, and I am not having a very good appetite, but we ordered so much. But, we WERE hungry when we went into the restaurant...........
炸酱面
Dumplings... 15-1 of them here...
豆沙煎饼
My usual 'routine' and 'ritual' (??) hahahaha... photos first before u eat!
And another 'tradition' - photo together after the meal! hahaha...
On Friday, we went to Yongshan and Suya's house for dinner... But this time round, we did not buy dinner back, neither did the host do all the cooking... We each contributed a dish. Knowing that I can't really cook, I contributed the dish that I am most confident with - Kimchi fried rice... Well at least people did give thumbs up for my fried rice before...
So we went over, and whilst Chris and Yongshan went out to get some ingredients for Chris' cake, I cooked my dish... and chatted with Suya... She told me so much last night... about her relationship, which was sweet yet it failed. It's a really long story, but I listened in to every single detail. I know I do not have the ability to help her, nor am I a person with expert advice, but the best I can do is to be a good listener. I did advice her before, this sentence that I got from a friend of mine, and I revised it: "If you cannot change the situation, you will have to change yourself". She seems to have taken this sentence in (she put it as her msn nick)... which is something that is hard for her to do, but she has to do. Same applies to me. Whilst listening to her and giving whatever piece of advice I can give, I am also advising myself at the same time.
All of them gave thumbs up for my kimchi fried rice, and finished it all up... which made me really relieved.... lol.... As Chris has commented: "You always said you can't cook, but unexpectedly the things you cook have some standard!" to which I replied: "Yeah... I only know how to cook this! Hahaha..." which is quite true! Lol... The vegetarian dish that Suya and Yongshan cook was nice as well, and very healthy. Suya also made red bean rice cake, which was superb! And also, Chris made his cake... I dunno if that is a marble cake, a butter cake, a chocolate sponge cake, or whatever name it is... it has got dark chocolate on top, spongy at the bottom... Looks like there isn't enough flour, because the bottom part has this jelly feel, yet the middle layer has the spongy feel... It tasted good either way, though the top layer is kinda burnt. They said it's a tad too sweet, but I think it's just nice for me.
OH... did I mention there was also korean rice cakes (which was bought back), and red bean soup as well??? We were TOO FULL to eat anymore! So Yongshan packed some of the red bean soup for me to bring back... I also took some cake home... We talked and watched some HK variety (well I'm not exactly watching because most of the time I'm reading the Chinese subtitles lol... dang I need to learn Cantonese!) shows before heading back home... By the time I reached home it was already 1am....
All those who did get to try my kimchi fried rice liked it... maybe I should consider opening a restaurant selling only this? Hahahaha.... what the heck...
The big pot of vegetarian dish... it's nice... I love the black fungus (黑木耳) most... and the beancurd skin...
The red bean rice cake... very nice!
The cake that Chris baked...
The melted dark chocolate, which we have dipped our fingers into to taste hahaha... chocoholics we are~
Cutting the cake... and a twisted face... (or am I just too eager to taste the cake?)
Yongshan and me~
Suya and me~
Chris and me~ And I think I must start counting how many photos he took with that 'YO' sign....
After that whilst Chris and I were walking to the train station, we both felt that such gatherings are really meaningful, without having to splurge. Making some home-cooked delicacies, sitting around the table to have dinner in the comfort of our house, gives us a very warm feeling... Like a family gathering, but cuz we're all overseas without our families, good friends are the closest people we can gather with. We shall find time again to cook again. And meanwhile, maybe I should start to think of what I can cook next, and perhaps refine that. lol...
With my new phone (which has just 2.0 megapixels camera, not that good, but good enough!) I kept snapping photos here and there.... Some random stuff I've taken:
People are so passionate about vandalism, they vandalise on the floor too~
The pile of books lying in my bedroom floor, as dated on 26/9.
This pile of books had a new addition on 27/9, an amount of 7 books extra... and I have not taken any photos...
I have 28 books on loan now... and 5 on request.
I am starting to resent my assignments............ Making my short-sightedness worse from all these readings!
Imagine staring straight through the forests of books, and looking for books.... And this is just ONE aisle.
There are so much more of these aisles in that floor
And in the Matheson Library in Clayton campus, there are like... 5 floors of full of books in the Main collection.... Or maybe there's more floors?
Flinders Street station... from the inside...
Caught daydreaming red-handed during my second program...
I am proud to say I 'work' here... even though it's unofficial and unpaid.
Cooked more dinner just now... prawns with BBQ sauce (I just want to use up the sauce!) and it turned out quite good! Also fried egg with tuna and onions... And me and Sharuen just went to do some grocery shopping at Clayton town too!
Oh ya... my second program went on air yesterday as well.... It went well. Still no one wrote in, because there is no awareness at all, but I am content to be doing my own program and just talking... Well, my beloved housemate Sharuen did write in to me, wishing me happiness... Lol.... Thanks for breaking the 'No new mails' record! :-) I enjoyed playing good music too... I didn't like the website for Radio Monash, because it's seriously not updated..... My friends got confused when they accessed the website, because it did not have my program listed, and also the 'Now Playing' button showed the program name of an old program... I'm not sure when they will be updating it actually... But I guess the only way to listen in to me will be to tune in on Friday, at 4pm Melbourne time, and click on the 'Now Playing' button, you should be able to hear me squeak (or tremble) through the microphone. ;)
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