reflections...
I was just passing by this little lounge on the top floor of Clayton's Campus Centre, and I saw this room called "Mature Age and Part Time Students Associations" (MAPS) and a little board that said something like: "For all students age 23 and over, do come in and join us". With some ("effortless") mental calculation and thinking, I realized: Don't I fit into that category?!
Momentarily I was stunned.... MAPS gave me the impression that it's for the OLDER people... like... late 20s and people in their 30s or older, who are part-time students, full-time mothers; or who have their careers and studies part-time; uni comebacks (at old age - think of beards and white hair), or who studies full time but have been in the workforce for a few years already. I couldn't quite associate myself in that group. Yet, I am already 24.
Somehow I got myself to think: assuming I am supposed to be that 'matured' cuz I'm of that age, however, am I really? When people look at my outer shell, they can see that I am 24, but when they open that shell, I might not be made of 24. I might be 20. or less.
However, the level of worry and concern that I have for myself do not lose to a typical 'matured' person. I am constantly worried about the future. I am not that paranoid about global warming and how the terrorists are roaming around the globe, but more of my immediate future. I am going to graduate soon... and I am positive I will NOT further my studies anymore. BUT, how am I supposed to find a good job? I do not have much related experience, I do not have an impressive resume, and I am definitely not very skillful. To make things worse, I am falling short of creativity, innovative and wit, and being an extremely slow learner and lack of knowledge... (or maybe there's more). Maybe at this current stage I shouldn't ask for the wish that I do the job I like. It's difficult.
I DO want to be in the broadcasting media... But the selection criteria and the tests I've got to go through make me quiver. There are so many people with potential... so many people who are better than me, how do I stand out? Furthermore, in a country like Australia, it's not easy to break into their media industry. English-wise, I do not speak the way they do. I might be proficient in the language, but I do not think the same way as them, least to say I have my Singapore accent which is quite difficult to erase. Mandarin-wise, despite that my Mandarin isn't that bad (it was good when I was in Singapore, now it's just a-OK), however, how can I ever be compared with the Mainland Chinese? The people from Beijing speaks the most perfect Mandarin. In general their Mandarin will be so much better. What do you expect if that's their first language? Mine's so broken as compared to theirs. I've alot to work on.
I wonder how can I eventually erase my Singaporean accent... When I hear myself over the headphones, I realised all the flaws I've got to correct. When I read the news, I do not have alot of intonations. Then, it's my accent that I find irritating. I wonder what the people who hears me read the news thinks... Where is she from? Why does she talk like that? It bothers me that whenever I read the 1pm news, I see so many people gathering around for their lunch, and I can see them and vice versa... I'll just disappear through the back door after I finish to avoid embarrasement.
But I thank Radio Monash, who gave me an opportunity to at least participate in their 1pm news bulletin, and thus begin my 'experience' in the broadcasting area. I am thrilled to be sitting behind the mic, looking at the time countdown to 1pm, put on my headphones and said "You're listening to RadioMonash.net, a very good afternoon to all of you! This is Clarice, and I'll be presenting to you the next news bulletin..." bla bla bla... I like the feel of being there. I believe I'll love it if I'm working in an actual radio station too~ Maybe I can put this in my resume in the future... if it might help at all.
One of the things that remained the same from young til now, is that I hold the same dream: To make a career in the media. Though a specific field was only defined in recent years, but I know where I want to be. Whether that is possible or not, I don't know. I am barely there yet. I wonder what the future holds for me.
24... not too young, not too old... But too old for someone like me, who hasn't been in love. People these days start dating at the age of 14. The people I know around my age has at least been in love once. Me? I'm always trapped in my one-sided 'love', and always looking at people's unturned back. I am always giving, but never receiving. Me? I'm always being involved with 'threesomes' where the other 2 are somewhat involved with each other, and I'm just a friend of theirs. Never in my life has it been someone else being a 'third' person of me and some guy. It's always me. Just me. Only me. Me? No one has sincerely told me that they liked me or are after me. Apparently I'm not very attractive in every way. Unappealing? Apparently so. Out of luck? Maybe. Retribution? Possible. Perhaps I was too selfish to my parents and am not a filial daughter when I was younger. I was oblivious to my mom's health, my dad's feelings. Now it has all come back to me.
Am I supposed to be concerned about this when my future is the big issue at the moment? No. But somehow it seeps into my thinkings everyday. Can't help it. When night falls sometimes I want to cry... cry at my pathetic life... hopeless future with a big question mark, loveless life with a bigger question mark... Somehow, even though sometimes I have really 'happening' life (dine at places, visit places, hang out, having fun), however, when all fun's gone and I need to face the reality and face myself, I wonder why and what am I living for?
Friends advise me: Let nature take its course. True. But then, when you are in the situation where you do not even know what the future holds, how could you not worry? How could you not feel dejected when all you see at the moment do not reflect any positive outcomes?
This is a very 'low-tide' kind of post, I know. But what can you expect from a person who is feeling dejected?
Momentarily I was stunned.... MAPS gave me the impression that it's for the OLDER people... like... late 20s and people in their 30s or older, who are part-time students, full-time mothers; or who have their careers and studies part-time; uni comebacks (at old age - think of beards and white hair), or who studies full time but have been in the workforce for a few years already. I couldn't quite associate myself in that group. Yet, I am already 24.
Somehow I got myself to think: assuming I am supposed to be that 'matured' cuz I'm of that age, however, am I really? When people look at my outer shell, they can see that I am 24, but when they open that shell, I might not be made of 24. I might be 20. or less.
However, the level of worry and concern that I have for myself do not lose to a typical 'matured' person. I am constantly worried about the future. I am not that paranoid about global warming and how the terrorists are roaming around the globe, but more of my immediate future. I am going to graduate soon... and I am positive I will NOT further my studies anymore. BUT, how am I supposed to find a good job? I do not have much related experience, I do not have an impressive resume, and I am definitely not very skillful. To make things worse, I am falling short of creativity, innovative and wit, and being an extremely slow learner and lack of knowledge... (or maybe there's more). Maybe at this current stage I shouldn't ask for the wish that I do the job I like. It's difficult.
I DO want to be in the broadcasting media... But the selection criteria and the tests I've got to go through make me quiver. There are so many people with potential... so many people who are better than me, how do I stand out? Furthermore, in a country like Australia, it's not easy to break into their media industry. English-wise, I do not speak the way they do. I might be proficient in the language, but I do not think the same way as them, least to say I have my Singapore accent which is quite difficult to erase. Mandarin-wise, despite that my Mandarin isn't that bad (it was good when I was in Singapore, now it's just a-OK), however, how can I ever be compared with the Mainland Chinese? The people from Beijing speaks the most perfect Mandarin. In general their Mandarin will be so much better. What do you expect if that's their first language? Mine's so broken as compared to theirs. I've alot to work on.
I wonder how can I eventually erase my Singaporean accent... When I hear myself over the headphones, I realised all the flaws I've got to correct. When I read the news, I do not have alot of intonations. Then, it's my accent that I find irritating. I wonder what the people who hears me read the news thinks... Where is she from? Why does she talk like that? It bothers me that whenever I read the 1pm news, I see so many people gathering around for their lunch, and I can see them and vice versa... I'll just disappear through the back door after I finish to avoid embarrasement.
But I thank Radio Monash, who gave me an opportunity to at least participate in their 1pm news bulletin, and thus begin my 'experience' in the broadcasting area. I am thrilled to be sitting behind the mic, looking at the time countdown to 1pm, put on my headphones and said "You're listening to RadioMonash.net, a very good afternoon to all of you! This is Clarice, and I'll be presenting to you the next news bulletin..." bla bla bla... I like the feel of being there. I believe I'll love it if I'm working in an actual radio station too~ Maybe I can put this in my resume in the future... if it might help at all.
One of the things that remained the same from young til now, is that I hold the same dream: To make a career in the media. Though a specific field was only defined in recent years, but I know where I want to be. Whether that is possible or not, I don't know. I am barely there yet. I wonder what the future holds for me.
24... not too young, not too old... But too old for someone like me, who hasn't been in love. People these days start dating at the age of 14. The people I know around my age has at least been in love once. Me? I'm always trapped in my one-sided 'love', and always looking at people's unturned back. I am always giving, but never receiving. Me? I'm always being involved with 'threesomes' where the other 2 are somewhat involved with each other, and I'm just a friend of theirs. Never in my life has it been someone else being a 'third' person of me and some guy. It's always me. Just me. Only me. Me? No one has sincerely told me that they liked me or are after me. Apparently I'm not very attractive in every way. Unappealing? Apparently so. Out of luck? Maybe. Retribution? Possible. Perhaps I was too selfish to my parents and am not a filial daughter when I was younger. I was oblivious to my mom's health, my dad's feelings. Now it has all come back to me.
Am I supposed to be concerned about this when my future is the big issue at the moment? No. But somehow it seeps into my thinkings everyday. Can't help it. When night falls sometimes I want to cry... cry at my pathetic life... hopeless future with a big question mark, loveless life with a bigger question mark... Somehow, even though sometimes I have really 'happening' life (dine at places, visit places, hang out, having fun), however, when all fun's gone and I need to face the reality and face myself, I wonder why and what am I living for?
Friends advise me: Let nature take its course. True. But then, when you are in the situation where you do not even know what the future holds, how could you not worry? How could you not feel dejected when all you see at the moment do not reflect any positive outcomes?
This is a very 'low-tide' kind of post, I know. But what can you expect from a person who is feeling dejected?
P/S: To Singapore: HAPPY NATIONAL DAY!! Celebrating independence since 9-August-1965...
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