So what am I researching again???

It all boils down to one conclusion: I am just sheer stupid.

And to think that part of my thesis was about blogging and its public sphere... and how it facilitates the receiving of news and information in times of crisis (like my case of September 11 attacks) that traditional media outlets cannot accomplish. I might get a fail for it, or I might earn a HD at the end of the year. Either way, I've already failed realising this fact actually applies in real life. Now I realised how blogs and the internet can REALLY facilitate the dissemination of news and information, or for that matter, private feelings...

Since I am not a journalist, a writer, or an author, I am just some ordinary person blabbering about various whatevers, perhaps I should just stick to my ordinary self, and write about my equally ordinary life - library, studies, school, work, friends, what I ate, what time I sleep, where did I go, what did I do, who did I hang out with, what tv I saw today, what I bought today.... how many words I wrote for thesis today (?), how much did I spend today (?)... did I shit today (?), did I bathe today (?), did I cook today (?), did I curse again today (?), did I did I get drunk again today (?).... what huhs and what duhs.... the list goes on. Pressing issues in my life - try not to blog it? So, maybe investing in an itchy-hand scratcher might help.

As much as I am trying to accept the fact that I do not have anymore privacy with my personal space, but one thing I need to recognise is that writing in a public sphere where democracy is prevalent, and free speech is encouraged, however, I must also realise the after effects, and the functions of it. Especially for a nobody like me. It used to be the readers being unable to accept my criticism and sacarsm, and retaliated, so I quit. Now I realised that I shouldn't be blogging so much about myself either, and my inner thoughts and feelings, because you never know who will be reading it. So I got to quit. Therefore I cannot blame anybody. The blogosphere allows communication which is non-verbal and recorded, and we are all connected in one way or another, via 'hyperlinks', and I guess no matter how discreet and personal a blog is, it can still be discovered one way or another. I must finally realise the real difference between a personal journal, which might consists of a $2.80 pen and $7.50 book, is very different from an online journal, which is free and consists of wires and fiber-optic cables and wireless connections... Therefore, the only thing that will not affect anyone will be the most normal form of blogging - reporting the ordinary. The inner side will have to go somewhere else. Perhaps living inside a bin whenever I am down will help?

Well, you might think: HUH.... then won't your blog be utterly boring?? Or, friends back home who cares might go: THEN WHAT? How do I know how you're getting on with your 'bliss' or 'turmoil', especially when I decide to appear offline all the time....? Or how am I getting on with LIFE in general? Well, it's not that difficult actually. I will introduce something called MSN, Emails and SMS-es, or Voice Calls. I will gladly tell you what's up with me if you really do care. Honestly, the thought of quitting this whole keeping and maintaining a blog did cross my mind. But, for some reason, I think I might still continue it. For that same reason, I will still blog once in a while. For that reason, that does not include the fact that I've had maintained this site all these years now, I will not change the bloody site address as I did before. Nothing other than the nature of its content will alter.

Sometimes stupidity can get the best of me. I do things without thinking through the consequences, and I do things without measuring the impact. Impulsive I am, repulsive I may seem... Anyway, I really do not want to care. Things are getting a toll of me... I just want to finish up this semester and get a good rest. So much so I do not care what other people think about me anymore. I might seem like a pathetic, lunatic and someone with total embarrassment. I used to bother, I used to care. But now, not anymore. Either way, I've already lost all my pride, dignity, integrity and feelings. What is this as compared to what I have experienced? Perhaps the end result of everything and all-fate is attributed to my depressed mode. Yeah... I deserve what I am getting now.


On a lighter side of things... I just finished my third program. It went well, surprisingly, cuz I was so sleepy at that time. More unplanned and spontaneous talk rather than following my script. I suppose as weeks to come I will stop writing up a script and just go on air and BLAH whatever. Amazingly with only less than 4 hours of sleep, I managed to respond in the studio... Perhaps I really am interested in what I am doing. Sigh... will I ever be in the commercial radio in the future? I really really wonder...