I give up

For 2 days in a row, I've ignored someone totally... 'Ignored' meaning, I don't talk (unless I have to cuz of work reasons), I don't smile, I don't joke, I don't see, I don't hear, I don't bother, I don't 'feel' the bitter presence.... I simply don't care.

So much for putting up a tough cold front but only to find out that I cannot seem to handle my inner self and I ended up washing my face with tears. I know I shouldn't be like that. I know it's just me and my own feelings. I know I should have stopped long ago. I know he is not entirely at fault for the pain inflicted on me. I know it's mostly just me inflicting pain on myself. I know it's just me. I know. I know. But I couldn't help it.

From the beginning, I shouldn't have kept charging on when I know the wall will not give way. I just gave myself a fractured skull. A bloody head. A vegetable state. An insane mind.

Why has things turned out this way? Why did I initiate such a ridiculous behaviour when I know it's just going to seem weird and leave people with lots of question marks of why am I so cold to just one person and yet I am the same old friendly and talkative self infront of others? Accumulated disappointments and hurts that has been clinging on to me, and yesterday it all snapped with just 2 simple things he did.

I intend to maintain my coldness til one day, he decided to hate me for it. Hate me for my unreasonable behaviour.
But I am just afraid I'll cave in and surrender and go back to my original self. And the story will start all over again.

Why am I like that?
It cuts so much, it is bleeding profusely. I can't seem to stop the bleeding.

Family and friends are most likely going to shake their heads with me like that. But what can I do? I want to turn back. But I can't move.

***************************************************

Thanks YC and Candy, for always giving me advices, and being there for me when I need someone to talk to.

Thanks Amelia - I know you are having your own worries now and yet I always bother u with my own problems. Sorry. But I really appreciate your time and listening ear. Thank you!

Thanks Sharuen - Finally I told her about my problems, and I am glad to have someone physically close to me who is able to see my crisis state and shake me up a little.

Thanks Chris - This fella doesn't know a single thing about anything and everything, but somehow through my conversations with him, I found some sort of comfort and he unconsciously made me realize a few things.

***************************************************

I gave up the exciting tour to Old Melbourne Gaol to halt my bleeding a little. Though I felt bad to Szerene and Grace, who were very much hoping I join the tour. But I decided against it, and I think I made the right choice. I don't want to be at where he is. And especially when he's with her. But I love that girl.... she's cool. I get along really well with her.

***************************************************

To replace the trip to Old Melbourne Gaol, I had dinner after work with Chris, who also knock off at 6pm, same as me. Went to Teppanyaki on Russells Street to have some Japanese food. Chris had Gyu-tan don (ox-tongue rice *eeeeekK!*) and I had unagi don (eel on rice). I feel better with this choice (after all the temptation to go to the gaol at night - i love thrilling tours! but too bad.......). Dinner was great~

Before that at work, we shared a big plate of Hainanese chicken rice + BBQ pork rice, with my favorite egg on top. The reason we shared our food is because we want to save some space in our tummy for dinner (cuz we had a late lunch). Uncle Li Bei always prepare so much for us.... How cool..~


Huge lunch~

It was a boring afternoon actually. Between 4-6pm there weren't many people, so I made drinks and some other stuff whilst Chris do the serving. I was glad 6pm came! Didn't have coffee for the entire day, and I am very tired...


I filled up the fridge with glass jellies, ice longans and cheng tengs


the ice milo i made (for myself lol).


Our dinner...


shuai shuai Chris and (not) mei mei Clarice


Going to have a good drink with Sharuen, who's also down. Get drunk perhaps. Get high perhaps. I dunno. Who cares about hangovers at work. All I want now is to knock myself unconscious~