Tap to the hose in the windows of the soul
Jumbled up feelings but there is only my computer to talk to. Well honestly I don't really know WHO to talk or turn to without being ignored. I no longer know what the definition of 'friends' truly is. Since I really wanted to let out my emotions but there isn't anyone, I shall just do it here.
When I got off the tram just now, it was 12.50AM and raining. It was a huge effort trying to dig that umbrella out of my bag because I have so many things stuffed in there. When I finally got my brolly and opened it up, tears started to well up in my eyes, and I was actually crying all the way home. Luckily it was past midnight there were no one on the streets to witness the awful sight.
Caught "The Amazing Spiderman" just now. 9.30pm show at Melbourne Central. As usual Hoyts never start a movie on time, but instead fed the audiences heaps of ads and movie trailers. The movie perhaps started at 9.50pm, and ended at 12.05AM. By the time I tried to make a mad dash to the train station, I just missed the last train back home. Frantic, my mind was racing with what I should do. Fortunately there was still the last tram #6 that goes to my house, but it was another 20 minutes wait, and would be at least 30 mins ride. But I had no other options, so I took that.
Honestly, when I sat on the tram and carefully thought about it, I could have asked for the people I was with to help me. All of them have cars. But why do I still have to take public transport when I am risking missing the last train/tram?
It was a mistake going out with them. I jumped on the opportunity to catch Spiderman because I actually wanted to watch it. Contrary to my initial reaction, I actually wanted to watch it despite having a different cast and no Tobey Maguire as Spiderman. I have loved all Spiderman movies so far so I still want to catch it if I could. When my colleagues suggested we watch this movie together, I actually took the night off so that I can watch with them. Turned out, it was a wrong move. I should have worked and earn money instead of going through these.
It was a wrong move not because the movie wasn't good. The movie was actually quite good (though I still prefer the original Spidey movies). It was because I realised that I am still stuck, after all these years, being a light bulb, and a SUPER bright one too. I shan't lie that I am OK here because I seriously don't like the situation I was in. Not because I am afraid of the fact that I am single, but the fact that I am ALWAYS in such a situation no matter where I go or who I am with. It seems like I am ALWAYS the only without a partner, and seemingly never going to get one. I am even LIVING WITH a couple. I am tired of being stuck like this ALL THE TIME, and I cannot help but start looking at myself and wonder why on earth am I always the only one all alone. True, I could have looked at this in a different way and with embrace it with a different mindset, because honestly it is not a big deal. I have been out with my 2 colleagues and their fiance/husband a few times, and all the time I was OK because we only gathered for meals. Unless they behave overly intimate I do not really care if I am stuck being a light bulb because I am too exposed to such situations. But being in the cinema as a light bulb was a different story altogether.
Somehow I ended up sitting in between the two couples. On my left, my colleague leaned close to her fiance during the entire movie; and on my right, my other colleague was also sitting closely to her husband. I was the only one sitting up straight in the middle, unable to lean on either sides, and had no one to talk to or laugh with at the funny scenes because my colleagues have their other halves to share funny/exciting moments with. That feeling was way worse than watching a movie alone. I was left all by myself, trying to suck up all the tapioca pearls in my milk tea, and trying to pull myself into the plot of the movie.
The movie, fortunately, did take my mind off thinking the plight I was in. At times like this, I appreciate my efforts of having been 'trained' doing things myself independently. Plus, I do have the capability to 'enter' myself into a whole new world within the movie. I also grew to be more emotionally independent as well. But apparently still not emotionally independent enough. I am still not strong enough. I need to be stronger.
Fine, I have, and should have accepted the fact that I am the light bulb. But the biggest blow was, it was also the same night I realised that my 2 colleagues are just colleagues who hang out because we work together and we are closer within the company because we have similar backgrounds and that we are Asians. But truth is, they are not really whom I would call my 'friends'. It saddens me that they could be so ignorant to my safety, and the fact that I could be missing my train. 1) They did not offer any help even though they drive. Fair enough, we are all tired from the day's work. They just live close to the city and could simply walk back, so it would be troublesome and extra effort for them to get back, get their car, drive me home, then drive back again. But offer? If I drive I would have offered to take them home. I thought this should be the fundamentals. 2) No one called me to check if I got the last train alright. Fair enough, they do not have to do that, but at least show a little care for someone you just hang out with? Especially when it is so late at night. I can imagine that they probably assumed I would have called if I need help. And really, I could have called if I needed help. But I wouldn't do that. Even if I missed my last tram, I wouldn't do that. I would probably have taken the cab back. Why? Because I hate troubling people, and unless they offer I wouldn't ask.
So does that mean that's THEIR fault? NO. No one is at fault. All I need to do is to open my mouth and I am sure they wouldn't reject because it wouldn't be nice to. But I can tell, from little incidences like this, they are not really people I can call 'friends'. In comparison to some of my other friends here who make sure I text them when I get home, and offer their places for me to stay when it gets really late, or insist on driving me home.... these two are not really my friends.
In addition to all the happenings tonight, I knew for a fact that I have always been left out in the office. I have to admit, I am very different to them in so many ways:
1) One of them is married. The other is getting married. Me? Single and no way near this stage of life.
2) They are both full times. I am only part time. I am less involved in a lot of things within the company as compared to them because I am not required to.
3) Because of their needs/previous needs, they have looked into buying cars, property, investments, weddings and these big, grand topics that I would find difficult to really discuss with because I never really need to look at them. Well, exception for cars because I do know a bit about them, but unless we are talking about cars all the time, I can't join those other topics.
4) The 2 of them work in the same department. I work in an entirely different department doing totally different things. Other than interacting with my 2 bosses I do not need to talk to anyone else in the office that is work-related. So sometimes when I hang out with them and they talk about work, there would be nothing I can contribute.
5) One of them loves to gossip and talk so much that sometimes it annoys me. The other one doesn't gossip but she likes to listen in to these gossips. Me, on the other hand do not like gossiping about other people. Neither do I like to talk at work. When I work, I work, and I talk about work. When I get off work and hang out, I talk the most. I may pass off as someone who is not very sociable, but what do they know about what I am like out of work?
Sadly, people are selfish species. People always put themselves before other people. Their problems are always more massive compared to other people that needs to be attended first. Their pains are always deeper than others. Their worries are bigger than others. Their sorrows are more despairing. Their priorities always before others. This is human nature, isn't it? I have already long realised that, but why am I still thinking that people are always willing to extend a helping hand, or listening ear when one is in need? Why do I still have hope for human beings? The simplicity of human nature, the basic kindness, and an instinct to help your own kind..... where have they all disappeared to??? Friendship, what are they? Who are your true friends? How do you define your true friends? Or is there even true and pure friendship still existing on earth??? True friends who can be selfless. I really wonder........
When I got off the tram just now, it was 12.50AM and raining. It was a huge effort trying to dig that umbrella out of my bag because I have so many things stuffed in there. When I finally got my brolly and opened it up, tears started to well up in my eyes, and I was actually crying all the way home. Luckily it was past midnight there were no one on the streets to witness the awful sight.
Caught "The Amazing Spiderman" just now. 9.30pm show at Melbourne Central. As usual Hoyts never start a movie on time, but instead fed the audiences heaps of ads and movie trailers. The movie perhaps started at 9.50pm, and ended at 12.05AM. By the time I tried to make a mad dash to the train station, I just missed the last train back home. Frantic, my mind was racing with what I should do. Fortunately there was still the last tram #6 that goes to my house, but it was another 20 minutes wait, and would be at least 30 mins ride. But I had no other options, so I took that.
Honestly, when I sat on the tram and carefully thought about it, I could have asked for the people I was with to help me. All of them have cars. But why do I still have to take public transport when I am risking missing the last train/tram?
It was a mistake going out with them. I jumped on the opportunity to catch Spiderman because I actually wanted to watch it. Contrary to my initial reaction, I actually wanted to watch it despite having a different cast and no Tobey Maguire as Spiderman. I have loved all Spiderman movies so far so I still want to catch it if I could. When my colleagues suggested we watch this movie together, I actually took the night off so that I can watch with them. Turned out, it was a wrong move. I should have worked and earn money instead of going through these.
It was a wrong move not because the movie wasn't good. The movie was actually quite good (though I still prefer the original Spidey movies). It was because I realised that I am still stuck, after all these years, being a light bulb, and a SUPER bright one too. I shan't lie that I am OK here because I seriously don't like the situation I was in. Not because I am afraid of the fact that I am single, but the fact that I am ALWAYS in such a situation no matter where I go or who I am with. It seems like I am ALWAYS the only without a partner, and seemingly never going to get one. I am even LIVING WITH a couple. I am tired of being stuck like this ALL THE TIME, and I cannot help but start looking at myself and wonder why on earth am I always the only one all alone. True, I could have looked at this in a different way and with embrace it with a different mindset, because honestly it is not a big deal. I have been out with my 2 colleagues and their fiance/husband a few times, and all the time I was OK because we only gathered for meals. Unless they behave overly intimate I do not really care if I am stuck being a light bulb because I am too exposed to such situations. But being in the cinema as a light bulb was a different story altogether.
Somehow I ended up sitting in between the two couples. On my left, my colleague leaned close to her fiance during the entire movie; and on my right, my other colleague was also sitting closely to her husband. I was the only one sitting up straight in the middle, unable to lean on either sides, and had no one to talk to or laugh with at the funny scenes because my colleagues have their other halves to share funny/exciting moments with. That feeling was way worse than watching a movie alone. I was left all by myself, trying to suck up all the tapioca pearls in my milk tea, and trying to pull myself into the plot of the movie.
The movie, fortunately, did take my mind off thinking the plight I was in. At times like this, I appreciate my efforts of having been 'trained' doing things myself independently. Plus, I do have the capability to 'enter' myself into a whole new world within the movie. I also grew to be more emotionally independent as well. But apparently still not emotionally independent enough. I am still not strong enough. I need to be stronger.
Fine, I have, and should have accepted the fact that I am the light bulb. But the biggest blow was, it was also the same night I realised that my 2 colleagues are just colleagues who hang out because we work together and we are closer within the company because we have similar backgrounds and that we are Asians. But truth is, they are not really whom I would call my 'friends'. It saddens me that they could be so ignorant to my safety, and the fact that I could be missing my train. 1) They did not offer any help even though they drive. Fair enough, we are all tired from the day's work. They just live close to the city and could simply walk back, so it would be troublesome and extra effort for them to get back, get their car, drive me home, then drive back again. But offer? If I drive I would have offered to take them home. I thought this should be the fundamentals. 2) No one called me to check if I got the last train alright. Fair enough, they do not have to do that, but at least show a little care for someone you just hang out with? Especially when it is so late at night. I can imagine that they probably assumed I would have called if I need help. And really, I could have called if I needed help. But I wouldn't do that. Even if I missed my last tram, I wouldn't do that. I would probably have taken the cab back. Why? Because I hate troubling people, and unless they offer I wouldn't ask.
So does that mean that's THEIR fault? NO. No one is at fault. All I need to do is to open my mouth and I am sure they wouldn't reject because it wouldn't be nice to. But I can tell, from little incidences like this, they are not really people I can call 'friends'. In comparison to some of my other friends here who make sure I text them when I get home, and offer their places for me to stay when it gets really late, or insist on driving me home.... these two are not really my friends.
In addition to all the happenings tonight, I knew for a fact that I have always been left out in the office. I have to admit, I am very different to them in so many ways:
1) One of them is married. The other is getting married. Me? Single and no way near this stage of life.
2) They are both full times. I am only part time. I am less involved in a lot of things within the company as compared to them because I am not required to.
3) Because of their needs/previous needs, they have looked into buying cars, property, investments, weddings and these big, grand topics that I would find difficult to really discuss with because I never really need to look at them. Well, exception for cars because I do know a bit about them, but unless we are talking about cars all the time, I can't join those other topics.
4) The 2 of them work in the same department. I work in an entirely different department doing totally different things. Other than interacting with my 2 bosses I do not need to talk to anyone else in the office that is work-related. So sometimes when I hang out with them and they talk about work, there would be nothing I can contribute.
5) One of them loves to gossip and talk so much that sometimes it annoys me. The other one doesn't gossip but she likes to listen in to these gossips. Me, on the other hand do not like gossiping about other people. Neither do I like to talk at work. When I work, I work, and I talk about work. When I get off work and hang out, I talk the most. I may pass off as someone who is not very sociable, but what do they know about what I am like out of work?
Sadly, people are selfish species. People always put themselves before other people. Their problems are always more massive compared to other people that needs to be attended first. Their pains are always deeper than others. Their worries are bigger than others. Their sorrows are more despairing. Their priorities always before others. This is human nature, isn't it? I have already long realised that, but why am I still thinking that people are always willing to extend a helping hand, or listening ear when one is in need? Why do I still have hope for human beings? The simplicity of human nature, the basic kindness, and an instinct to help your own kind..... where have they all disappeared to??? Friendship, what are they? Who are your true friends? How do you define your true friends? Or is there even true and pure friendship still existing on earth??? True friends who can be selfless. I really wonder........
Comments
i learnt this lesson MANY TIMES the hard way...
Only you, yourself will know what you want and what is best for you.
*hugs*