Put 'em all out of my mind
Everything sparked from the aftermath of Friday's party.
I saw the pack of possible lies that I've been living in all this while... a period of time too long to be true... a long 'while' that only demonstrates my unbelievable stupidity...
I saw the never faded feelings that my gift harboured for his chosen one.
And maybe he still has them... nobody will know best except he himself...
Though he denies it, but can you really believe it?
His actions always contradicts what he says. And he is not very receptive to feedback seemingly...
But I have finally realised, for real, that it has always just been me, myself, and I, acting and producing alone in my own play with my own script.
I saw that I am not the recipient of the gift, and never might be, because I am just not deemed fit and valuable to redeem it.
God knows when I'll ever be. Or if I'll ever be.
My gift told me that I've never crossed over the 'chosen one', therefore no matter how he tries, I'll never be the chosen one.
He said that the barrier I've never crossed will be a barrier to my redemption of my 'gift'.
He said he hates me intruding his space and privacy...
He said he hates me being bothered with his choice of the chosen one...
He said he hates me mentioning her even though he tries to avoid the topic...
It has always been me not up to his standard.
It has always been me to agitate, provoke and irritate my gift.
It has always been me who made my gift turn away from me.
But has he ever seen things from my point of view?
Would I ever be so silly not to respect other's privacy?
Why did I behaved the way I did?
Did he think I liked to behave the unreasonable way I did?
When, in my 24 years of living, had I been so illogical and unreasonable for such reasons?
However, he doesn't know that I chose him as my gift despite he falls short of my ideal.
I hate people who comes extremely late for almost every meet-ups we had.
I hate having to wait all the time.
I hate people taking promises lightly and break them as if they are worth nothing.
I hate people who made fun of my physical 'flaws' when I cannot bring myself to tell him I simply detest it. I hate people saying I am flat. I know I am, but I hate it when people take it as a joke that is brought up so casually. Try laughing at a person on wheelchairs. How does that feel??
And worst of all, I HATE to be treated invisible, yet everytime we go out with our friends he looks at everyone except me. He touches everyone but is afraid to touch me. He shuns from my presence. I never really felt I existed.
Am I really that hideous?
Or am I just so unworthy to look at?
Despite all that, I STILL chose him as my gift.
I accepted all these and still chose him.
Why?
For a reason that even I cannot apprehend.
Maybe I'm just too blind to see...
My heart aches when his heart aches...
I hate seeing him getting hurt because he sees his chosen one choosing her chosen one.
However, I cannot blame the 'chosen one'.
She is entitled to choose whoever who can provide her with the happiness she deserves, and I am truly happy for her.
Perhaps the reason why the 'chosen one' did not pick up the gift is because he is unable to provide her the happiness and bliss she wanted.
Why? Because I think I feel it now.
Perhaps he is not supposed to be the gift that belongs to me after all.
I wish he is, I had thought it is...
But now, I don't think it is anymore...
I don't know how long I can continue to wait and hurt
I've told him I will give him his time and pace to recover...
But then, he is still pushing me away up 'til this very day, as I speak.
Who am I?
Don't I have any integrity?
Why do I have to continue to wait for someone who will never turn his back?
I am so tired...
But can I ever rely on his shoulder to lie on when I am?
I really am skeptical about this.
But then again, maybe I cannot blame him for pushing me away.
I've irked him again and again
But I cannot help it.
I regret it but I cannot express it
And even if I expressed it nothing will change.
How could I ever prove myself?
What's done is done, cannot be undone.
He is injured, and he will never put himself to the challenge again in the short term
I am injured too, and I will not be able to hold myself back from lashing out when I know I shouldn't.
I am clueless on how to mend things back
There are no means to turn back the hands of time.
Pain is inevitable.
Perhaps the best for both of us is to go our separate ways
Dreams will always be dreams...
Expectations will always fall short...
Hopes can only stay as anticipations not necessary will be fulfilled.
Life is always about moving on and getting over it.
Unable to accept it might seem, but there is no way not living with it.
Words that I've always wanted to tell him.
Words that I should have told him to explain my feelings and plight
Can't be voiced.
My discrepancy in speech
My lost of words.
My slow response
My retarded mind.
All I can do is to stand there for him to bomb me relentlessly
All I can do is to let me look like I am the bad one.
All I can do is to let him be.
All I can do is to swallow everything back.
But it was me who did not pick up the gift on cue
It was me who let it slip by...
I wanted to be his chosen one...
All along I had wanted it...
But now, I must really let this gift go.
I might still turn back to look at my gift, lingering
But I must heal the deep wound.
Tears are already enough to fill up the dried up well
The gift can't hold on to his chosen one with hopes I'll stay...
I've said it since a long time back, yet I still waiver.
I must not waiver anymore.
He said he will not do anything anymore for me.
And all his actions showed that he meant it.
So, I must pack my luggage and leave the realms of this shadow forever...
Sorry, my gift. I will let you go.
If ever you think you want me to redeem you back
You can try to find me.
And if I am still at somewhere reachable
If I am willing to pick you up again
If I can be sure you will never hurt me again
Then perhaps things will work out.
If not,
I assure you, I will still be happy.
And I hope you will be happy too.
To all my friends who have been there encouraging me all this while, this is my starting point.
I mean it.
I won't let anyone scold or criticise me anymore. I try my best not to. I know you all mean the best for me.
See me next year with a smile on my face, and telling you that I am truly happy.
Though I cannot guarantee I will ever open my heart again,
But at least, no one will ever see me drench myself in tears again.
I saw the pack of possible lies that I've been living in all this while... a period of time too long to be true... a long 'while' that only demonstrates my unbelievable stupidity...
I saw the never faded feelings that my gift harboured for his chosen one.
And maybe he still has them... nobody will know best except he himself...
Though he denies it, but can you really believe it?
His actions always contradicts what he says. And he is not very receptive to feedback seemingly...
But I have finally realised, for real, that it has always just been me, myself, and I, acting and producing alone in my own play with my own script.
I saw that I am not the recipient of the gift, and never might be, because I am just not deemed fit and valuable to redeem it.
God knows when I'll ever be. Or if I'll ever be.
My gift told me that I've never crossed over the 'chosen one', therefore no matter how he tries, I'll never be the chosen one.
He said that the barrier I've never crossed will be a barrier to my redemption of my 'gift'.
He said he hates me intruding his space and privacy...
He said he hates me being bothered with his choice of the chosen one...
He said he hates me mentioning her even though he tries to avoid the topic...
It has always been me not up to his standard.
It has always been me to agitate, provoke and irritate my gift.
It has always been me who made my gift turn away from me.
But has he ever seen things from my point of view?
Would I ever be so silly not to respect other's privacy?
Why did I behaved the way I did?
Did he think I liked to behave the unreasonable way I did?
When, in my 24 years of living, had I been so illogical and unreasonable for such reasons?
However, he doesn't know that I chose him as my gift despite he falls short of my ideal.
I hate people who comes extremely late for almost every meet-ups we had.
I hate having to wait all the time.
I hate people taking promises lightly and break them as if they are worth nothing.
I hate people who made fun of my physical 'flaws' when I cannot bring myself to tell him I simply detest it. I hate people saying I am flat. I know I am, but I hate it when people take it as a joke that is brought up so casually. Try laughing at a person on wheelchairs. How does that feel??
And worst of all, I HATE to be treated invisible, yet everytime we go out with our friends he looks at everyone except me. He touches everyone but is afraid to touch me. He shuns from my presence. I never really felt I existed.
Am I really that hideous?
Or am I just so unworthy to look at?
Despite all that, I STILL chose him as my gift.
I accepted all these and still chose him.
Why?
For a reason that even I cannot apprehend.
Maybe I'm just too blind to see...
My heart aches when his heart aches...
I hate seeing him getting hurt because he sees his chosen one choosing her chosen one.
However, I cannot blame the 'chosen one'.
She is entitled to choose whoever who can provide her with the happiness she deserves, and I am truly happy for her.
Perhaps the reason why the 'chosen one' did not pick up the gift is because he is unable to provide her the happiness and bliss she wanted.
Why? Because I think I feel it now.
Perhaps he is not supposed to be the gift that belongs to me after all.
I wish he is, I had thought it is...
But now, I don't think it is anymore...
I don't know how long I can continue to wait and hurt
I've told him I will give him his time and pace to recover...
But then, he is still pushing me away up 'til this very day, as I speak.
Who am I?
Don't I have any integrity?
Why do I have to continue to wait for someone who will never turn his back?
I am so tired...
But can I ever rely on his shoulder to lie on when I am?
I really am skeptical about this.
But then again, maybe I cannot blame him for pushing me away.
I've irked him again and again
But I cannot help it.
I regret it but I cannot express it
And even if I expressed it nothing will change.
How could I ever prove myself?
What's done is done, cannot be undone.
He is injured, and he will never put himself to the challenge again in the short term
I am injured too, and I will not be able to hold myself back from lashing out when I know I shouldn't.
I am clueless on how to mend things back
There are no means to turn back the hands of time.
Pain is inevitable.
Perhaps the best for both of us is to go our separate ways
Dreams will always be dreams...
Expectations will always fall short...
Hopes can only stay as anticipations not necessary will be fulfilled.
Life is always about moving on and getting over it.
Unable to accept it might seem, but there is no way not living with it.
Words that I've always wanted to tell him.
Words that I should have told him to explain my feelings and plight
Can't be voiced.
My discrepancy in speech
My lost of words.
My slow response
My retarded mind.
All I can do is to stand there for him to bomb me relentlessly
All I can do is to let me look like I am the bad one.
All I can do is to let him be.
All I can do is to swallow everything back.
But it was me who did not pick up the gift on cue
It was me who let it slip by...
I wanted to be his chosen one...
All along I had wanted it...
But now, I must really let this gift go.
I might still turn back to look at my gift, lingering
But I must heal the deep wound.
Tears are already enough to fill up the dried up well
The gift can't hold on to his chosen one with hopes I'll stay...
I've said it since a long time back, yet I still waiver.
I must not waiver anymore.
He said he will not do anything anymore for me.
And all his actions showed that he meant it.
So, I must pack my luggage and leave the realms of this shadow forever...
Sorry, my gift. I will let you go.
If ever you think you want me to redeem you back
You can try to find me.
And if I am still at somewhere reachable
If I am willing to pick you up again
If I can be sure you will never hurt me again
Then perhaps things will work out.
If not,
I assure you, I will still be happy.
And I hope you will be happy too.
To all my friends who have been there encouraging me all this while, this is my starting point.
I mean it.
I won't let anyone scold or criticise me anymore. I try my best not to. I know you all mean the best for me.
See me next year with a smile on my face, and telling you that I am truly happy.
Though I cannot guarantee I will ever open my heart again,
But at least, no one will ever see me drench myself in tears again.
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