I am just not competent enough to be anyone's girlfriend. Honestly speaking, I've never thought of myself as a 'somebody' in anyone's life. I've never thought I'll be eligible. I've never thought that anyone would be interested either. I've always thought that perhaps, at the age of 30, I'll still be single, perhaps a career-woman, leading a carefree yet lonely life... How would I know I'll get attached at this time?
For in my case now, I don't even know if it's a two-way thing. Or is my gift trying his best to develop feelings for me over time.
Really, what defines Clarice? I seriously do not know what good attributes I have attached to me. Perhaps some things like SILLY, CLUMSY, BLUR, CLUELESS, IGNORANT, GULLIBLE, CHILDISH, NOT CAPABLE, UN-PRETTY and UN-SEXY might define me. There really isn't anything attractive about me. Which might go on to demonstrate why I am in the situation where I am now.
Either way, I guess I've been single too long that I'm so used to being by myself... In addition, I'm not someone who is capable of being a 'lady' to do many things a woman will do for her bf. No matter how much things I wanted to do for him, I have no means to do so. There are so many things I want to do but cannot do. I didn't think that doing things for the one you love consists monetary measures. Therefore, when I did not get any Christmas gift for my gift, I felt extremely guilty, because, he's got one for me....
However, I felt so insecure. It is not how many things you've bought, or how much money you've spent on that someone. It's the feeling that everytime you meet, you feel like you might lose him once and for all. Honestly, I do not like someone sticking on to me either, just as much as he does not like people sticking on to him. However, I do want to spend some quality time with him, just the 2 of us, and have some fun together. But I cannot voice how I miss him, or how I want to be with him, for sake of my fear of losing him cuz I've irked him. I cannot tell him how sometimes we can spend time alone together instead of always going out in groups. I cannot tell him that sometimes I feel like 'sticking' to him (not in the annoying sense) cuz he might just shun away from me. Sometimes I wish he'll hug me more willingly, or give me a kiss, but he doesn't do that readily, and it'll be awkward if I were to initiate. I am usually the one to ask for hugs and even a goodnight kiss. With these, it got me thinking: why doesn't he do any of them? Is it because he didn't like me enough? Is it because I'm not good enough? Do I have bad breath? Am I hideous? Do I have too much fats? Or WHAT?
I cannot help but think it must be me with the problem, so that's why nothing has ever happened. I cannot help but think that he mustn't have liked me that much so he does not feel inclined. I cannot help but see people around me, having their bfs hug and kiss them, and realise that, hey, why am I missing those more 'intimate' actions?
I believe that it takes time to nurture a relationship, and he needs his own space, because I definitely will appreciate if I have mine too. I don't believe that a couple needs to meet every single day, or even talk every single day, but an sms a day just to say hi will be very much appreciated. Maybe I'm getting these feelings because I am insecure at how we actually got together - so 'out-of-the-blue'. So sudden and unexpected because I've never thought we'll ever be together. Maybe cuz I am still unsure of myself and he did not do alot to reassure me. Or maybe he did just that I am too blind to see. I really like him but I am unsure of how much he feels for me.
On this Christmas day as I'm blogging this, I am eating Arnott's Shapes (Nacho Cheese) for dinner, and sitting alone by my computer. As much as I wanted to spend the day with my gift, I d aren't ask or show it. But I feel like I've got to tell this to someone, or something, that I have to blog this. Sometimes writing things out can ease my feelings a little. Really, I care less if this is supposed to be a public space and someone unexpected might just pop by to read it.
Like what people always say: 没有也烦, 有也烦... Seems really true. Perhaps human beings really should learn to expect less, think less and endure more.
Merry Christmas~
For in my case now, I don't even know if it's a two-way thing. Or is my gift trying his best to develop feelings for me over time.
Really, what defines Clarice? I seriously do not know what good attributes I have attached to me. Perhaps some things like SILLY, CLUMSY, BLUR, CLUELESS, IGNORANT, GULLIBLE, CHILDISH, NOT CAPABLE, UN-PRETTY and UN-SEXY might define me. There really isn't anything attractive about me. Which might go on to demonstrate why I am in the situation where I am now.
Either way, I guess I've been single too long that I'm so used to being by myself... In addition, I'm not someone who is capable of being a 'lady' to do many things a woman will do for her bf. No matter how much things I wanted to do for him, I have no means to do so. There are so many things I want to do but cannot do. I didn't think that doing things for the one you love consists monetary measures. Therefore, when I did not get any Christmas gift for my gift, I felt extremely guilty, because, he's got one for me....
However, I felt so insecure. It is not how many things you've bought, or how much money you've spent on that someone. It's the feeling that everytime you meet, you feel like you might lose him once and for all. Honestly, I do not like someone sticking on to me either, just as much as he does not like people sticking on to him. However, I do want to spend some quality time with him, just the 2 of us, and have some fun together. But I cannot voice how I miss him, or how I want to be with him, for sake of my fear of losing him cuz I've irked him. I cannot tell him how sometimes we can spend time alone together instead of always going out in groups. I cannot tell him that sometimes I feel like 'sticking' to him (not in the annoying sense) cuz he might just shun away from me. Sometimes I wish he'll hug me more willingly, or give me a kiss, but he doesn't do that readily, and it'll be awkward if I were to initiate. I am usually the one to ask for hugs and even a goodnight kiss. With these, it got me thinking: why doesn't he do any of them? Is it because he didn't like me enough? Is it because I'm not good enough? Do I have bad breath? Am I hideous? Do I have too much fats? Or WHAT?
I cannot help but think it must be me with the problem, so that's why nothing has ever happened. I cannot help but think that he mustn't have liked me that much so he does not feel inclined. I cannot help but see people around me, having their bfs hug and kiss them, and realise that, hey, why am I missing those more 'intimate' actions?
I believe that it takes time to nurture a relationship, and he needs his own space, because I definitely will appreciate if I have mine too. I don't believe that a couple needs to meet every single day, or even talk every single day, but an sms a day just to say hi will be very much appreciated. Maybe I'm getting these feelings because I am insecure at how we actually got together - so 'out-of-the-blue'. So sudden and unexpected because I've never thought we'll ever be together. Maybe cuz I am still unsure of myself and he did not do alot to reassure me. Or maybe he did just that I am too blind to see. I really like him but I am unsure of how much he feels for me.
On this Christmas day as I'm blogging this, I am eating Arnott's Shapes (Nacho Cheese) for dinner, and sitting alone by my computer. As much as I wanted to spend the day with my gift, I d aren't ask or show it. But I feel like I've got to tell this to someone, or something, that I have to blog this. Sometimes writing things out can ease my feelings a little. Really, I care less if this is supposed to be a public space and someone unexpected might just pop by to read it.
Like what people always say: 没有也烦, 有也烦... Seems really true. Perhaps human beings really should learn to expect less, think less and endure more.
Merry Christmas~
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