Doubts. Lethargic. Diffidence
Doubts. Possibilites. Promises. Wait. Love. Used. Hurt. Happy ending? Painful ending?
I think so much. Maybe TOO much. With every single word I replay, I trust, and then I doubt. I am not a very trusting person. I put 5% doubt in every single word people say. In this world, I probably only trust my parents 100%. I know they have done so much for me and wouldn't hurt me. But there are so many crafty people living on Earth. Who do you trust? No, who CAN you trust???
People made promises, but empty ones. Human beings are always selfish. How am I so sure I am not believing an empty one? Does time really tell? Will time reveal a painful ending?? Or will I get lucky??
Lethargic. Pathetically. I miss Korea. I miss Singapore. I want my stress-free holidays. I miss my family and good friends. I miss HIM. I realized that Melbourne is everything good for money, retirement, property-investments, stress-free life, and education for the next generation. But why am I not happy? I stay here because it is believed to be for my good. I stay here because I want to keep my promise. I probably will not regret it if all turns out well. I have been here for almost 7 (bloody) years. I have a life here. I have friends here. But what if it doesn't turn out well? What happens to empty promises??
Diffidence. I can stare at my resume thinking that I am hopeless. I have nothing. They want experience. I cannot give them. They want someone outstanding. I cannot give them. They want you to be PR/Citizen. I cannot give them. I look at myself. I have nothing. Seriously, I have nothing. My friends have all embarked on their life journey. I have not. I am still bouncing like a ping-pong ball. Nothing. Upcoming IELTS. Fuck, why do I have to fail my first language? Why do I have to sit this test? Is that something I need? Fail IELTS, get kicked out of Australia. Who knows, by July I will be back in Singapore...... for good. No future. What can I do? Where can I go? What about the promise? Will I be the one delivering an empty promise in the end?
What is out there for me? If you tell me life is happier being married, and having 10 kids, with a husband who works and get food on the table, I might throw away my 'singlehood-4eva" 'philosophy' and agree with you. Who wants this shithole I am in at the moment? My morale is at its lowest. All that is playing in my mind right now, is just a broken recorder, screeching painfully into my ear: "YOU LOSER! YOU HAVE NOTHING!"
Fuck. I am LOST. I have nothing. :(
I think so much. Maybe TOO much. With every single word I replay, I trust, and then I doubt. I am not a very trusting person. I put 5% doubt in every single word people say. In this world, I probably only trust my parents 100%. I know they have done so much for me and wouldn't hurt me. But there are so many crafty people living on Earth. Who do you trust? No, who CAN you trust???
People made promises, but empty ones. Human beings are always selfish. How am I so sure I am not believing an empty one? Does time really tell? Will time reveal a painful ending?? Or will I get lucky??
Lethargic. Pathetically. I miss Korea. I miss Singapore. I want my stress-free holidays. I miss my family and good friends. I miss HIM. I realized that Melbourne is everything good for money, retirement, property-investments, stress-free life, and education for the next generation. But why am I not happy? I stay here because it is believed to be for my good. I stay here because I want to keep my promise. I probably will not regret it if all turns out well. I have been here for almost 7 (bloody) years. I have a life here. I have friends here. But what if it doesn't turn out well? What happens to empty promises??
Diffidence. I can stare at my resume thinking that I am hopeless. I have nothing. They want experience. I cannot give them. They want someone outstanding. I cannot give them. They want you to be PR/Citizen. I cannot give them. I look at myself. I have nothing. Seriously, I have nothing. My friends have all embarked on their life journey. I have not. I am still bouncing like a ping-pong ball. Nothing. Upcoming IELTS. Fuck, why do I have to fail my first language? Why do I have to sit this test? Is that something I need? Fail IELTS, get kicked out of Australia. Who knows, by July I will be back in Singapore...... for good. No future. What can I do? Where can I go? What about the promise? Will I be the one delivering an empty promise in the end?
What is out there for me? If you tell me life is happier being married, and having 10 kids, with a husband who works and get food on the table, I might throw away my 'singlehood-4eva" 'philosophy' and agree with you. Who wants this shithole I am in at the moment? My morale is at its lowest. All that is playing in my mind right now, is just a broken recorder, screeching painfully into my ear: "YOU LOSER! YOU HAVE NOTHING!"
Fuck. I am LOST. I have nothing. :(
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