Flawed and Undecided
The Case of Indecisiveness
I was told that I am a very indecisive person.
Perhaps I am. And I am aware of that. I do get a bit hesitant when I have to choose between two or more options. To some people I may appear fastidious. To some I just do not know what I really, really want. In other words, I have no clear set goals in any aspects of life. Right down to deciding which restaurant to eat at, or choosing the colour of the socks I want to wear.
I know I am definitely not fussy, but I can't even decide if my indecisiveness is because I don't know what I want, or I put other people in front of me too much I care more about how other people feel and what other people want. What I think is, both points of view apply to me. Although I do have a certain degree of indecisiveness in me, I do care a lot of how other people feel and think.
Take for example, if we are deciding on a dinner venue, even if I have something in mind, I would still go for whatever my friend(s) want because I think it's what they want that is more important, rather than what I want. I am fine wherever I go, but I know some people would mind with my suggestions. Therefore, no matter if no one can decide where to eat, I would still let the other party make the decision.
But of course, if the no one can come to a decision forever then I will probably chip in my thoughts. But oftentimes I have no special preferences so it ends up to be a painful process squibbing over what the best options are.
Perhaps I need to be more decisive, and think of others less and fulfil my wishes more. It does not hurt to voice out my opinions, yet at the same time respecting others too. If I have an easy-going personality then it wouldn't hurt me either way.
The Case of (being) Flawed
I have to clear my thoughts because I do not want to jeopardise the person I like, or possibly will like, and his future.
The only way I can love a person is to inch slowly away from him and fix my own heart and feelings quietly to reduce the impact. After all, love for me is impossible and no one will be able to appreciate the real me. And yes, that I am very certain.
I will also try to recommend other better girls out there to him, so as to ensure that it will be a better outcome than choosing me. I will also keep myself away as much as possible, and try to tell myself that no, I am flawed. I must not feel. I must not love. I must not have any reactions whatsoever. I have to force myself to feel neutral. I must tell myself that I do not want to be loved.
I don't know why I am like this, but this is a harsh reality that I have to face and accept.
I look at my friends around me - many are married with kids; married without kids; happily attached. Even if they are single, they have their family and lots of friends around them. Me? I am neither of them. I look around and realise that there is no one around me. I am all alone. Whatever happens I only have myself to bear it all. I am independent physically and financially, but I have to force myself to be independent emotionally too. And there are times when you just want to go to someone and let it all out. Someone to support you when you are almost crumbling. But there is no one like that for me. I am slowly beginning to understand what my mom has told me before when I mentioned that I do not intend to get married - "you will be lonely at old age". I think I am beginning to understand what my mom means.
But, I am still flawed, and for the reasons I keep securely only to myself, I cannot afford to fall in love or feel like I am falling in love. It will not happen, cannot happen, and must not happen. And I will try my level best to make sure I keep myself sane.
I was told that I am a very indecisive person.
Perhaps I am. And I am aware of that. I do get a bit hesitant when I have to choose between two or more options. To some people I may appear fastidious. To some I just do not know what I really, really want. In other words, I have no clear set goals in any aspects of life. Right down to deciding which restaurant to eat at, or choosing the colour of the socks I want to wear.
I know I am definitely not fussy, but I can't even decide if my indecisiveness is because I don't know what I want, or I put other people in front of me too much I care more about how other people feel and what other people want. What I think is, both points of view apply to me. Although I do have a certain degree of indecisiveness in me, I do care a lot of how other people feel and think.
Take for example, if we are deciding on a dinner venue, even if I have something in mind, I would still go for whatever my friend(s) want because I think it's what they want that is more important, rather than what I want. I am fine wherever I go, but I know some people would mind with my suggestions. Therefore, no matter if no one can decide where to eat, I would still let the other party make the decision.
But of course, if the no one can come to a decision forever then I will probably chip in my thoughts. But oftentimes I have no special preferences so it ends up to be a painful process squibbing over what the best options are.
Perhaps I need to be more decisive, and think of others less and fulfil my wishes more. It does not hurt to voice out my opinions, yet at the same time respecting others too. If I have an easy-going personality then it wouldn't hurt me either way.
The Case of (being) Flawed
I have to clear my thoughts because I do not want to jeopardise the person I like, or possibly will like, and his future.
The only way I can love a person is to inch slowly away from him and fix my own heart and feelings quietly to reduce the impact. After all, love for me is impossible and no one will be able to appreciate the real me. And yes, that I am very certain.
I will also try to recommend other better girls out there to him, so as to ensure that it will be a better outcome than choosing me. I will also keep myself away as much as possible, and try to tell myself that no, I am flawed. I must not feel. I must not love. I must not have any reactions whatsoever. I have to force myself to feel neutral. I must tell myself that I do not want to be loved.
I don't know why I am like this, but this is a harsh reality that I have to face and accept.
I look at my friends around me - many are married with kids; married without kids; happily attached. Even if they are single, they have their family and lots of friends around them. Me? I am neither of them. I look around and realise that there is no one around me. I am all alone. Whatever happens I only have myself to bear it all. I am independent physically and financially, but I have to force myself to be independent emotionally too. And there are times when you just want to go to someone and let it all out. Someone to support you when you are almost crumbling. But there is no one like that for me. I am slowly beginning to understand what my mom has told me before when I mentioned that I do not intend to get married - "you will be lonely at old age". I think I am beginning to understand what my mom means.
But, I am still flawed, and for the reasons I keep securely only to myself, I cannot afford to fall in love or feel like I am falling in love. It will not happen, cannot happen, and must not happen. And I will try my level best to make sure I keep myself sane.
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