A race against my sanity
Today has been a bloody tough day for me for no particular reason. Honestly, it wasn't even 'tough' if you closely evaluate the day's activities. The 'toughness' probably stemmed from not having enough sleep. And then it branched out to all these seemingly trivial matters but hit me hard in the face like a flying brick. I felt like I want to snap at anyone who comes walking past my territory, and I have no mood for anything. I felt super unpretty.
Something shameful happened last week that I would never be able to share with anyone (other than perhaps my mom if I ever have to talk about it), and it has in some way affected my sleep. I wonder if I am ill. Maybe I have some chronic ailment that I do not know of yet. I don't know, but I hope not! But I couldn't help worrying. I am still young, and I still want to live. There are still so many things that I want to do! I hope my health wouldn't be an issue that will hold me back from all these fantastic dreams!
And then there's this pain from my Sydney accident almost 6.5 years ago that affected my lower jaw. Now my teeth ache, and I think I smell decay. I want to go to the dentist here, but it is so bloody expensive I cannot afford it before burning my entire savings. I shudder at the sight of my teeth because they are so untidy. I wonder what people think of me. I wonder if that is the reason why I am still single and nobody wants me. Who wants to date Miss Ugly-Teeth, or perhaps Miss Bad-Breath? I wonder if I can ever fork out the money for dentistry surgery. I wonder why anything dental related has to be so pricey! I wonder if I can ever have a nice smile again.
And then, deep within the recesses of my heart there is something, or someone I may want to treasure, but I can only keep holding myself back. I told myself, I cannot go ahead and achieve what I really want because I know I am never going to succeed. Partially it is because of the preceding paragraph. Perhaps I am more of a coward than I imagined myself to be. Anything in life I conquer like a brave, gungho (wo)man except for just one thing I can never make myself face. Surprisingly as I mature I find myself possessing better abilities of self-control, and of self-brainwashing. I told myself that whatever has happened should been treated as unexceptional. Everything is supposed to taste bland to me. No sweetness, saltiness, spiciness, bitterness, and sourness. Taste blandly, and I would be happier. This little secret is rather deep and I have never shared it with anyone.... Almost. Only 2 of my close friends know about this, but not in detail either. However I wish it will forever be hidden. Buried deep into the soil and never dig it up again.
It feels like I am living like Jin Yong's martial art trilogy "The Return of Condor Heroes" - Dragon Girl/Xiao Long Nu" - expressionless with no feelings. It seemed like I have trained myself so much that I hardly feel anything these days (unless the occasional pissed off feeling I have when I was offended). For people who does not know anything about Chinese novels and martial art fictional characters, I perhaps may describe myself as a zombie. Is that even appropriate???
Perhaps a lot of these worries and what nots bothering me so much now, and plus my never-ending busy lifestyle going on and on, I am so tired I felt more hot-tempered than usual. Desperate to excel in my day job, and exasperated to end my night shift, I became very restless and easily "maimed". Today, I was very 'report-ridden'. The entire day I did nothing but analysing media results and writing up automotive reports. 20 of them altogether. Even though we are very much on track this month, and I have plenty of time, I still felt stressed out because I am still fairly new with these reports. I am so afraid of making mistakes. All in all, I lack the confidence that most 'ang moh's have, and am always unsure of myself. Unsure of my ability. Unsure of anything and everything. I felt useless. I can't even structure my sentences properly when I speak. I didn't even understand my English when I spoke to customers. And when I tried to explain something in Cantonese to my senior, I kept tripping over my words. And then when I spoke Mandarin I didn't know how to carry on my sentence before finding myself speaking in Korean instead.... and then stopping short because it didn't make sense (and the person I spoke to didn't understand Korean) I lapse back into English. That's how retarded I can get.
I am suppressing many things right now, including how I really feel about people and things. I must regulate my heartbeat. I must not let my blood hit boiling point. And I must learn to endure, because people are all different. And yes, I am talking about a mixture of incidences here, both good and bad. Whatever it is, I am enforcing maximum self-control so that I would stay sane.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. It is Friday. It has to be!
Something shameful happened last week that I would never be able to share with anyone (other than perhaps my mom if I ever have to talk about it), and it has in some way affected my sleep. I wonder if I am ill. Maybe I have some chronic ailment that I do not know of yet. I don't know, but I hope not! But I couldn't help worrying. I am still young, and I still want to live. There are still so many things that I want to do! I hope my health wouldn't be an issue that will hold me back from all these fantastic dreams!
And then there's this pain from my Sydney accident almost 6.5 years ago that affected my lower jaw. Now my teeth ache, and I think I smell decay. I want to go to the dentist here, but it is so bloody expensive I cannot afford it before burning my entire savings. I shudder at the sight of my teeth because they are so untidy. I wonder what people think of me. I wonder if that is the reason why I am still single and nobody wants me. Who wants to date Miss Ugly-Teeth, or perhaps Miss Bad-Breath? I wonder if I can ever fork out the money for dentistry surgery. I wonder why anything dental related has to be so pricey! I wonder if I can ever have a nice smile again.
And then, deep within the recesses of my heart there is something, or someone I may want to treasure, but I can only keep holding myself back. I told myself, I cannot go ahead and achieve what I really want because I know I am never going to succeed. Partially it is because of the preceding paragraph. Perhaps I am more of a coward than I imagined myself to be. Anything in life I conquer like a brave, gungho (wo)man except for just one thing I can never make myself face. Surprisingly as I mature I find myself possessing better abilities of self-control, and of self-brainwashing. I told myself that whatever has happened should been treated as unexceptional. Everything is supposed to taste bland to me. No sweetness, saltiness, spiciness, bitterness, and sourness. Taste blandly, and I would be happier. This little secret is rather deep and I have never shared it with anyone.... Almost. Only 2 of my close friends know about this, but not in detail either. However I wish it will forever be hidden. Buried deep into the soil and never dig it up again.
It feels like I am living like Jin Yong's martial art trilogy "The Return of Condor Heroes" - Dragon Girl/Xiao Long Nu" - expressionless with no feelings. It seemed like I have trained myself so much that I hardly feel anything these days (unless the occasional pissed off feeling I have when I was offended). For people who does not know anything about Chinese novels and martial art fictional characters, I perhaps may describe myself as a zombie. Is that even appropriate???
Perhaps a lot of these worries and what nots bothering me so much now, and plus my never-ending busy lifestyle going on and on, I am so tired I felt more hot-tempered than usual. Desperate to excel in my day job, and exasperated to end my night shift, I became very restless and easily "maimed". Today, I was very 'report-ridden'. The entire day I did nothing but analysing media results and writing up automotive reports. 20 of them altogether. Even though we are very much on track this month, and I have plenty of time, I still felt stressed out because I am still fairly new with these reports. I am so afraid of making mistakes. All in all, I lack the confidence that most 'ang moh's have, and am always unsure of myself. Unsure of my ability. Unsure of anything and everything. I felt useless. I can't even structure my sentences properly when I speak. I didn't even understand my English when I spoke to customers. And when I tried to explain something in Cantonese to my senior, I kept tripping over my words. And then when I spoke Mandarin I didn't know how to carry on my sentence before finding myself speaking in Korean instead.... and then stopping short because it didn't make sense (and the person I spoke to didn't understand Korean) I lapse back into English. That's how retarded I can get.
I am suppressing many things right now, including how I really feel about people and things. I must regulate my heartbeat. I must not let my blood hit boiling point. And I must learn to endure, because people are all different. And yes, I am talking about a mixture of incidences here, both good and bad. Whatever it is, I am enforcing maximum self-control so that I would stay sane.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. It is Friday. It has to be!
Comments
I may be miles apart fm you, but whataspp keeps us closer ok?