Maladjusted
Sometimes I wonder why do I feel so out of place amongst my peers. Is it because I am a little different, or because people perceive me as an annoying/ignorant/cold/strange/unfriendly person because sometimes I don't like to talk, unless I want to, or if I feel like I can engage myself in whatever topic being discussed. Unlike the 'ang mohs' (or 'gei ang mohs') I really am not someone who likes to talk so much to other people, or having to express that I know something because I don't feel I have to. Perhaps it is because I am quite independent, and what's more, an individualist. I am used to doing things by myself, without any assistance or discussion with anyone. I am also someone who mainly depends on myself, be it financial, work, problems and to the extent, emotionally as well. Plus, from young I have always talked to myself, played with myself, mused out loud to myself, and cheer for myself. Mostly I am by myself. So I guess it has become a habit now.
My behavior may have sort of affected my friendship with others because we may start off as good friends initially, but will end up drifting apart because the rest of them will end up sticking together and I will just start peeling off the wall.
Recently I realized that my closer colleagues cum friends have started to drift apart from me. I confess I tend to be very serious when I work and with that I have a serious and stern look on my face. Especially so when my managers have started throwing me alot more responsibilities and duties at me because I am no longer new, and has become more familiar, they want me to do more work than before (and maybe also because they have also raised my pay so more money = more expectations). I take my work seriously and I don't gossip or talk alot at work. It can be so bad to the point that I do not hear people around me at all and may seem aloof sometimes as well.
However it is not a new thing to anyone who knows me at work. Everyone around me may be chit chatting about this and that, but I hardly ever join anyone with these conversations. My friends should know this fact and they have always treated me like a good friend. However it seems like because I am silent most of the time, I am driving people away because people think I am 'arrogant' or 'unfriendly'. I am manoeuvring myself to my own hole. Either that or I am being too sensitive. These are entirely my speculations and I may be wrong. But I can't eliminate these speculations either because for all you know they might be true!
There are 3 of us in the office who always hang out and have a closer relationship with each other, but recently it has been more of the two of them. One of them used to like to pop by my desk for a quick 2 min break to talk to me, but now she goes to our other friend and not me. The two always start taking lunch together, and I always have to either follow suit if I want to eat with them, or I'll just be by myself. They go home together cuz one of them drives and they are going in the same direction. And this friend who also used to whatssap me a lot out of work no longer does that. Everything is just going weirder and weirder, and I note all these changes feeling funny but not being able to voice them out.
I feel left out most of the time as well because I am only a part-timer, and they are full-timers. Plus they are in the same department. So everytime they talk about work I would be unable to join them because my job scope is entirely different, and I am in a separate entity in the office which require no interaction at all (with anyone, except my 2 managers). Plus, full-timers get more miscellaneous stuff going on for them, whereas I don't get as many (e.g. there are some training sessions I am not involved in, I do timesheets differently from them, my pay structure is different, my benefits are lesser etc). I feel very out of place, but I can't blame them for not involving me in these things.... Honestly what is there to talk about other than work when you see each other at work all the time? Worst still, one of them is getting married, and the other one is already married. Their topics revolve around property buying, weddings, buying a car, banks and investments and other topics that I am entirely clueless about because I do not need to think about them at my present stage. Makes me feel like I am behind people with everything - almost 30 years old, no full time, no love life, no marriage, no life, straddling 2 part times, and have no means of getting any car/properties in the near future. And being unable to be involved in conversations like these makes me look like an idiot. People don't really like talking to those who seem to be 'empty' can they?
Out of work, I have two other very close friends for years whom seems to have 'refused' to meet me for some time now. Perhaps not intentionally but for some reason since we each went for our holidays we haven't been able to meet. I have initiated many times to meet but it's either they are busy, or they have work, or some family issues and can't meet. But on Facebook I saw them posting photos and checking in whilst meeting up with other friends. I do not distinctively remember having done or said anything to trigger this, but again it may just be my over sensitivity. We last met in November2011 before I left for my holidays. and it was a very happy gathering. Our relationship with each other has always been healthy, so I feel really disturbed. I did try asking them if there is anything wrong, but they did not even reply me. I got this horrible feeling that it has to be me that has caused all these and I am starting to resent myself. I just want to burrow my head in a deep deep hole and not come out at all!
No matter how I treasure my good friends, it doesn't seem like they are reciprocating my friendship. Perhaps I am better off in my own shell trapped in my own world. As well as hardening my feelings and not be too bothered when such instances arise. I feel so out of place. It's like being a piece of jigsaw puzzle that does not fit into any of the pieces to form the picture. Is there really no place I can associate myself with? Am I destined to be all by myself, forever depending on myself and having no friends because I am a "weirdo" who turns people away from me???
It upsets me a lot. But there are many things I cannot simply just voice out to anyone. One, people wouldn't admit anything, nor would be willing to criticise you; and two, if there really isn't anything but a 'just because it turned out this way doesn't mean anything bad' reason, it would so embarrassing and possibly put a dent in the friendship. But I cannot help feeling horrible. I want to fit in, but I am always maladjusted..............
My behavior may have sort of affected my friendship with others because we may start off as good friends initially, but will end up drifting apart because the rest of them will end up sticking together and I will just start peeling off the wall.
Recently I realized that my closer colleagues cum friends have started to drift apart from me. I confess I tend to be very serious when I work and with that I have a serious and stern look on my face. Especially so when my managers have started throwing me alot more responsibilities and duties at me because I am no longer new, and has become more familiar, they want me to do more work than before (and maybe also because they have also raised my pay so more money = more expectations). I take my work seriously and I don't gossip or talk alot at work. It can be so bad to the point that I do not hear people around me at all and may seem aloof sometimes as well.
However it is not a new thing to anyone who knows me at work. Everyone around me may be chit chatting about this and that, but I hardly ever join anyone with these conversations. My friends should know this fact and they have always treated me like a good friend. However it seems like because I am silent most of the time, I am driving people away because people think I am 'arrogant' or 'unfriendly'. I am manoeuvring myself to my own hole. Either that or I am being too sensitive. These are entirely my speculations and I may be wrong. But I can't eliminate these speculations either because for all you know they might be true!
There are 3 of us in the office who always hang out and have a closer relationship with each other, but recently it has been more of the two of them. One of them used to like to pop by my desk for a quick 2 min break to talk to me, but now she goes to our other friend and not me. The two always start taking lunch together, and I always have to either follow suit if I want to eat with them, or I'll just be by myself. They go home together cuz one of them drives and they are going in the same direction. And this friend who also used to whatssap me a lot out of work no longer does that. Everything is just going weirder and weirder, and I note all these changes feeling funny but not being able to voice them out.
I feel left out most of the time as well because I am only a part-timer, and they are full-timers. Plus they are in the same department. So everytime they talk about work I would be unable to join them because my job scope is entirely different, and I am in a separate entity in the office which require no interaction at all (with anyone, except my 2 managers). Plus, full-timers get more miscellaneous stuff going on for them, whereas I don't get as many (e.g. there are some training sessions I am not involved in, I do timesheets differently from them, my pay structure is different, my benefits are lesser etc). I feel very out of place, but I can't blame them for not involving me in these things.... Honestly what is there to talk about other than work when you see each other at work all the time? Worst still, one of them is getting married, and the other one is already married. Their topics revolve around property buying, weddings, buying a car, banks and investments and other topics that I am entirely clueless about because I do not need to think about them at my present stage. Makes me feel like I am behind people with everything - almost 30 years old, no full time, no love life, no marriage, no life, straddling 2 part times, and have no means of getting any car/properties in the near future. And being unable to be involved in conversations like these makes me look like an idiot. People don't really like talking to those who seem to be 'empty' can they?
Out of work, I have two other very close friends for years whom seems to have 'refused' to meet me for some time now. Perhaps not intentionally but for some reason since we each went for our holidays we haven't been able to meet. I have initiated many times to meet but it's either they are busy, or they have work, or some family issues and can't meet. But on Facebook I saw them posting photos and checking in whilst meeting up with other friends. I do not distinctively remember having done or said anything to trigger this, but again it may just be my over sensitivity. We last met in November2011 before I left for my holidays. and it was a very happy gathering. Our relationship with each other has always been healthy, so I feel really disturbed. I did try asking them if there is anything wrong, but they did not even reply me. I got this horrible feeling that it has to be me that has caused all these and I am starting to resent myself. I just want to burrow my head in a deep deep hole and not come out at all!
No matter how I treasure my good friends, it doesn't seem like they are reciprocating my friendship. Perhaps I am better off in my own shell trapped in my own world. As well as hardening my feelings and not be too bothered when such instances arise. I feel so out of place. It's like being a piece of jigsaw puzzle that does not fit into any of the pieces to form the picture. Is there really no place I can associate myself with? Am I destined to be all by myself, forever depending on myself and having no friends because I am a "weirdo" who turns people away from me???
It upsets me a lot. But there are many things I cannot simply just voice out to anyone. One, people wouldn't admit anything, nor would be willing to criticise you; and two, if there really isn't anything but a 'just because it turned out this way doesn't mean anything bad' reason, it would so embarrassing and possibly put a dent in the friendship. But I cannot help feeling horrible. I want to fit in, but I am always maladjusted..............
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