Squeezing in an update before it's too long...
It has been a while since I last blogged. Looking back at my last post, it has been almost ONE month since I last penned something. Or rather, typed something. As always, being extremely busy takes the blame, but am I truly that ridiculously busy???
Yes, and no. I am reasonably occupied definitely. Work is not getting any easier; neither is my work load getting any lighter. However, I do have some free time that I rather spend catching up on sleep, or catching up with friends, binge drinking and watching dramas, rather than sitting down in front of Blogger and cracking my brain on what to write other than the usual reporting on what I've been doing in the past few weeks, with photos showing my stupid and unnecessary face. Honestly, who really cares what's going on in my life?
Summer is coming to an end soon. Recently the weather has been a little quirky. Some days we get really beautiful 22-25 degrees weather with sun and breeze. Other days we get scorching hot 31 degrees. Then some days it rained and rained and rained and it felt like Melbourne is going to flood any time if the rain continues in such fashion. However, it's already mid-March, and we all know autumn is waiting for its turn behind the curtains, waiting for summer to get off the stage after performing its swan song.
Personally I am happy that autumn is coming and winter will be here after. As much as I love warm days with cool breeze and nothing more than 25 degrees and under 20 degrees, nothing can ever be perfect and stay constantly perfect. Therefore if you ask me to choose I'd definitely prefer cold to hot. Though I know many Aussies may groan that summer is over (they just LOVE summer I don't know why!) because they would lose their tan and no more nice flowery dresses (pour femme), singlets (pour homme) and cool sunglasses. I, for one, would love to cover up a bit more. Not because I am conservative, but covering up means hiding flaws such as fatness, flatness, and out of proportion-ness. Plus I love my jackets and scarves, and I do miss my UGG!!
Recently, I have been catching the latest HK series "The Hippocratic Crush" (On Call 36 小时） and I really like this drama. One of the better ones I've seen recently definitely. I really like the role Kenneth Ma played as ”一件头". Other characters include Tavia Yeung, Mandy Wong and Him Law, and they all did a really good job. Plot is set in a fictional hospital focusing on working relationships and learning process (either of medical, or life) of housemen, training specialist doctors and nurses. Of course, it also talks about relationships as well. Just watched episode 19. This drama is still airing in HK up til episode 23.
There are a few scenes in there where I cannot help but cry. Honestly I don't know why I let myself sink into a scene so deep I just couldn't control myself. Sometimes I doubt my so-called "strength". I do feel very vulnerable at times, though these times pass by quickly, I still think I may not be as strong-willed as I always picture myself to be.
Life's reality:
人，
出世时候坐婴儿车
小的时候坐脚踏车
大的时候坐私家车
老的时候坐救护车
死的时候坐出殡车
When you think of it, how true. The old woman at her death bed told this to her friend. A simple analogy that speaks out the true face of life.
On love, for a handicapped with no confidence because he is always viewing things 50cm shorter than a normal person:
其实喜欢一个人是不论是否有资格，
只要你真心爱对方，
你一心给对方幸福，
你就有资格去爱对方。
Correct. Handicapped but he is not stripped of his right to love someone, as long as his love is genuine.\
Sometimes I wonder to myself, why am I still left on the shelf, undusted, after all these years? In my almost-29 years of life, I have never been loved, neither has someone ever initiated going after me and wanting to willingly love me. Love me for who I am, or simply just being attracted to me. I guess these are all attributed around many factors, though I cannot yet pinpoint which is the main contributor.
Everyday I log on to facebook no longer seeing just people hanging around with their boy/girlfriends going places and eating together etc. Most of the time I see friends getting engaged. Romantic footage of marriage proposals. Elaborate pre-wedding shoots. Wedding dinners. Wedding ceremonies. First babies. Second babies. Some even THIRD babies. Family outings with husband and kids. Kids growing up photos, getting new house photos...... This is what Facebook is all about these days. And most of them are my age, plus/minus one.
Friends my age are already expecting their second kid. Friends 3-4 years my junior are getting married. And majority of those my age are either married, or getting married. I think perhaps there are still 15% of friends on my 500+ friends on my list are still single, and out of this 15%, some of them are in their early 20s. So what am I? FORGOTTEN.
I have not changed my opinion about not getting married, but occasionally when I am in trouble, or when I feel tired and depressed I really wished there was someone with me. Someone to walk with me or silently sit beside me and support me. That's where my vulnerability kicks in. As much as having been independent and strong all the time, I still have my weak side. I am not sure if I do need a person beside me in future because I've never had one, so I guess I need to work harder to get rid of my vulnerable side and accept that fact that I am indeed going to be so alone, and I only have myself to handle me despite of happiness, sadness, anger, depression and what nots.
After these few years of trying to let go, I do occasionally feel my heart beating once again for someone, though often not long enough before it died off. However, with every surviving heart beat I dare not mutter a word to the person, nor reveal any slight hint whatsoever. I allowed the heartbeat to die off eventually. Granted, no heart beat has been as strong and lasting as my previous, but I have no courage to repeat what I used to do before. I fear rejections. I don't dare to bare my feelings so naked anymore. I am no longer the 24 year old girl who dared herself once to show her feelings to the one she liked so much; toughed through rejections, and eventually managed to get him turn his back to accept me. Perhaps, none of these heart beats feel as strong, but either way I feel weak. I know either way I am going to get rejected, so why even bother, or ponder? I may as well continue living as it is without needing to know that I am this useless.
Perhaps, this is what the Chinese calls "宿命“ - FATE. I am fated to be alone. And I know it, so I must not be afraid to face it.
Ok, enough of my self pitying and whining after 1 month of absence. It's high time I get to bed. Why am I not even sleepy/dizzy after downing 2 big bottles of champagne? Is it because it's only champagne??? Perhaps I need hard liquor to actually knock me out?
Yes, and no. I am reasonably occupied definitely. Work is not getting any easier; neither is my work load getting any lighter. However, I do have some free time that I rather spend catching up on sleep, or catching up with friends, binge drinking and watching dramas, rather than sitting down in front of Blogger and cracking my brain on what to write other than the usual reporting on what I've been doing in the past few weeks, with photos showing my stupid and unnecessary face. Honestly, who really cares what's going on in my life?
Summer is coming to an end soon. Recently the weather has been a little quirky. Some days we get really beautiful 22-25 degrees weather with sun and breeze. Other days we get scorching hot 31 degrees. Then some days it rained and rained and rained and it felt like Melbourne is going to flood any time if the rain continues in such fashion. However, it's already mid-March, and we all know autumn is waiting for its turn behind the curtains, waiting for summer to get off the stage after performing its swan song.
Personally I am happy that autumn is coming and winter will be here after. As much as I love warm days with cool breeze and nothing more than 25 degrees and under 20 degrees, nothing can ever be perfect and stay constantly perfect. Therefore if you ask me to choose I'd definitely prefer cold to hot. Though I know many Aussies may groan that summer is over (they just LOVE summer I don't know why!) because they would lose their tan and no more nice flowery dresses (pour femme), singlets (pour homme) and cool sunglasses. I, for one, would love to cover up a bit more. Not because I am conservative, but covering up means hiding flaws such as fatness, flatness, and out of proportion-ness. Plus I love my jackets and scarves, and I do miss my UGG!!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Recently, I have been catching the latest HK series "The Hippocratic Crush" (On Call 36 小时） and I really like this drama. One of the better ones I've seen recently definitely. I really like the role Kenneth Ma played as ”一件头". Other characters include Tavia Yeung, Mandy Wong and Him Law, and they all did a really good job. Plot is set in a fictional hospital focusing on working relationships and learning process (either of medical, or life) of housemen, training specialist doctors and nurses. Of course, it also talks about relationships as well. Just watched episode 19. This drama is still airing in HK up til episode 23.
There are a few scenes in there where I cannot help but cry. Honestly I don't know why I let myself sink into a scene so deep I just couldn't control myself. Sometimes I doubt my so-called "strength". I do feel very vulnerable at times, though these times pass by quickly, I still think I may not be as strong-willed as I always picture myself to be.
Life's reality:
人，
出世时候坐婴儿车
小的时候坐脚踏车
大的时候坐私家车
老的时候坐救护车
死的时候坐出殡车
When you think of it, how true. The old woman at her death bed told this to her friend. A simple analogy that speaks out the true face of life.
On love, for a handicapped with no confidence because he is always viewing things 50cm shorter than a normal person:
其实喜欢一个人是不论是否有资格，
只要你真心爱对方，
你一心给对方幸福，
你就有资格去爱对方。
Correct. Handicapped but he is not stripped of his right to love someone, as long as his love is genuine.\
 |
| One of the latest TVB productions, and a better one too. I've watched a couple of so-so ones these days, so this is definitely a must watch cuz it's really good! |
Sometimes I wonder to myself, why am I still left on the shelf, undusted, after all these years? In my almost-29 years of life, I have never been loved, neither has someone ever initiated going after me and wanting to willingly love me. Love me for who I am, or simply just being attracted to me. I guess these are all attributed around many factors, though I cannot yet pinpoint which is the main contributor.
Everyday I log on to facebook no longer seeing just people hanging around with their boy/girlfriends going places and eating together etc. Most of the time I see friends getting engaged. Romantic footage of marriage proposals. Elaborate pre-wedding shoots. Wedding dinners. Wedding ceremonies. First babies. Second babies. Some even THIRD babies. Family outings with husband and kids. Kids growing up photos, getting new house photos...... This is what Facebook is all about these days. And most of them are my age, plus/minus one.
Friends my age are already expecting their second kid. Friends 3-4 years my junior are getting married. And majority of those my age are either married, or getting married. I think perhaps there are still 15% of friends on my 500+ friends on my list are still single, and out of this 15%, some of them are in their early 20s. So what am I? FORGOTTEN.
I have not changed my opinion about not getting married, but occasionally when I am in trouble, or when I feel tired and depressed I really wished there was someone with me. Someone to walk with me or silently sit beside me and support me. That's where my vulnerability kicks in. As much as having been independent and strong all the time, I still have my weak side. I am not sure if I do need a person beside me in future because I've never had one, so I guess I need to work harder to get rid of my vulnerable side and accept that fact that I am indeed going to be so alone, and I only have myself to handle me despite of happiness, sadness, anger, depression and what nots.
After these few years of trying to let go, I do occasionally feel my heart beating once again for someone, though often not long enough before it died off. However, with every surviving heart beat I dare not mutter a word to the person, nor reveal any slight hint whatsoever. I allowed the heartbeat to die off eventually. Granted, no heart beat has been as strong and lasting as my previous, but I have no courage to repeat what I used to do before. I fear rejections. I don't dare to bare my feelings so naked anymore. I am no longer the 24 year old girl who dared herself once to show her feelings to the one she liked so much; toughed through rejections, and eventually managed to get him turn his back to accept me. Perhaps, none of these heart beats feel as strong, but either way I feel weak. I know either way I am going to get rejected, so why even bother, or ponder? I may as well continue living as it is without needing to know that I am this useless.
Perhaps, this is what the Chinese calls "宿命“ - FATE. I am fated to be alone. And I know it, so I must not be afraid to face it.
Ok, enough of my self pitying and whining after 1 month of absence. It's high time I get to bed. Why am I not even sleepy/dizzy after downing 2 big bottles of champagne? Is it because it's only champagne??? Perhaps I need hard liquor to actually knock me out?
Comments
Sometimes, I wished I had waited for the special guy, whom, I rather call my first love. Perhaps I maybe happier now...
Sometimes, I wished I was single. Carefree to do whatever I pleased, without any commitment or care a damnt about others may think or say.
But still, of coz, being a a relationship or being married has its pros and cons. Everything has its own pros and cons, it is juz abt how u weigh and view decisions in life.
Cheer up, being single aint that bad at all. At least, u r free and easy :)
it is a dilemma here because whilst i love being single because like what u said, i am free and easy. u know how i value my freedom, and how impulsive i am so i will hate being tied to someone. but at the same time, sometimes i do feel like i need someone there for me during difficult times, but then there is no one, and there will never be anyone. yes, there are friends, but how far can friends support u? one, everyone is busy with their work; two, everyone has their own problems too; three, there is a limit on how max their support can be as compared to having the support of someone really dear (romantically) to u.
one note: there is no special guy for me. and i think i am right about this. i am not complaining about carefree-ness but this fact bugs me. :(